Accio words!

God

2012-02-06T01:14:00.002Z

I spend a lot of my life thinking about god. This would be unsurprising if I believed in god, but I don't.

I consider myself to be a Jewish atheist. Culturally, I'm very much so a Jew. But I do not believe in the religious side of it. This blog isn't about my explaining or justifying that. Many people turn their nose up at that, but I know 100% that that is what I feel like and that is what I am.

I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about god. Every time something bad or difficult happens I really do wish so much that I believed in god, because I can really imagine the comfort that level of faith must bring. I have several religious friends and can't help but be envious when they can just readily rely on their belief in god to get them through whatever hardship is thrown at them.

However, when good things happen and people thank god for them, it sits very uncomfortably with me. For example, thanking god for good exam results, getting something you've been wanting or for the recovery of an ill person. I think it is a huge insult to the human race to thank god for things like these rather than crediting the humans that contributed to them happening. Thanking god for good grades doesn't seem fair to the person who worked to achieve them. Thanking god for getting something you've been wanting doesn't do justice to the people who made the informed decisions along the way. Thanking god for health doesn't credit the healthcare professionals who spend their lives trying to make people better.

I've talked about this with a religious friend of mine and he said that the people who result in good things happening do so because god looks after them and helps them to do the things. That isn't fair either! It implies that people do good things because either a) god helps them or b) because they know god wants them too. Why can't it be accepted that some people do good things because they care about the people around them and because they want to do good things? Why does god have to get the credit? Why give the credit to an intangible being rather than to actual people who try their best?

When people go down the wrong path in life I know some religious friends of mine will "pray for them" and "ask god to lead them right". Which is a lovely notion, but why can't responsibility be given to the people themselves to set themselves straight? Everyone needs help sometimes, but why can't we step in to help them rather than asking god to do it for us?

I have so many questions.

Grades

2012-01-26T22:46:00.005Z

The other day I got my grades for my first semester of my second year at university. They are as follows:

Web Design - 54%, 2:2
Media Thinkers - 64%, 2:1
TV Studio Production - 64%, 2:1
Image & Visual Culture - 61%, 2:1

I'm really not sure how I feel about these grades.

I was totally fine about Web Design because I struggled with it in year 10 and I struggled with it this time too. HTML and coding and building the whole site had so many processes, and I've never been good at processes. This is why I always hated physics and maths, whilst I enjoyed humanities; they are more free thinking. So with Web Design I decided that rather than trying to be over-ambitious and not pulling it off I'd rather stick to my capabilities and get a firm pass, which I did.

Media Thinkers was a complicated module. I loved the subject and I loved the things I learnt, and I even loved the essay topics. LO AND BEHOLD I even loved WRITING THE ESSAYS. What I didn't love was the fact that with both essays I sent drafts to my lecturer to get feedback before I submitted my final one (feedback of which I followed) and I still only just got a 2:1. The way I see it, if I write an essay that needs improvement, the improvements I am suggested by the lecturer should allow me to achieve the highest possible grade. Call my crazy, but bearing in mind with the first essay I was only given 5 things to add (all of which I added) I did assume I'd done better than 64%. The second essay was even more ridiculous because all of the feedback I got for my draft was ALREADY IN MY ESSAY. And I still only scraped a 2:1. I've talked to the head of Media once about this and have got a meeting next week with the head of education or something, at which I can communicate my views on this. So even though I feel like I should have been given tuition that would have got me to a higher grade than a lower 2:1, I was unsurprised by my result.

TV Studio Production was a brilliant laugh, and I really, really enjoyed it. I am eager to get some feedback on my grade because I'd like to know where my portfolio blog lost marks because I thought I followed the instructions quite well.

Image and Visual Culture was hit and miss for me, I loved the practical side of it but struggled with the essay because we were restricted as to the sources we could reference, which for me was quite repressing. Additionally, my lecturer didn't have time to read my essay draft (I'm not going to go into this now because I'm still very cross) which I know was my downfall. I was so, so proud of my photo essay so I want to know what they didn't like about them. Essentially, I wanted to do very well in IVC, but as soon as I found that my essay draft wouldn't get read over, I lost hope.

For as long as I can remember I've been a perfectionist academically. I don't mean that I always achieve extremely highly, I mean that I always beat myself up when I don't. It began to an extreme when I got majority As at GCSE and was absolutely gutted they weren't A*s. I remember just HATING myself because I knew that I didn't work my absolute hardest, and I knew that if I had have worked my absolute hardest that I would have got A*s. When it came to A Level I had a pretty stressful time at school and the obstacles I encountered meant even I was quite pleased to get my ABBCE. And in my first year of university I got a First, which I was absolutely DELIGHTED about. So all I wanted to do this year was to reach the standard I had set myself and work and exert effort and do just as well again...

...which is why I'm not entirely sure why I'm not more upset about my three 2:1s. When I really think about it it's really quite upsetting, to know that working your hardest and putting in the most effort you could possibly put in is only worth 60.75%. Literally JUST a 2:1. Actually now I've got my calculator out and done the maths I feel a fair amount worse. I just want to excel. If I could look back on last semester and think "Well if I had done this/that/the other I would have probably done better" than fair play, I would have regrets due to not trying my best. But I cannot think of anything I could have done differently to get a higher grade.

I think this is about accepting my standard. My standard is only a 2:1. I need to work on eliminating my grand delusions of Firsts and just be okay with average.

Routine

2012-01-17T00:47:00.001Z

I don't know how I feel about routine.

When I'm with my friends and it's the holidays and we have no obligations and just take each day as it comes I absolutely revel in the lack of routine. However, last semester when I adored all my modules and had my timetable learnt by heart I really loved the routine of when and where I had to be and what I was going to learn.

You'd think from this that I'd be one of those happy go lucky cruiser-alongers and to be honest, I'd love to be. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I take change in my stride and can just grit my teeth and deal with whatever is thrown at me. But more recently I've been extremely susceptible to stress and have been suffering from anxiety induced illness very frequently. As much as I don't know the precise reasons as to why I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I'm really hoping that settling back into termtime routine from tomorrow will help my brain out. It will give me some more focuses and I'm hoping to distract my conscious from whatever is subconsciously messing with my head.

Saying that though, at this precise moment I feel really terrified about routine because what if I don't feel well and what if I have an anxiety attack and what if I'm not good at one of my modules and what if I fall out with a friend and what if one of my lecturers doesn't like me?

When I don't have a routine I can invest time into thinking and analysing and trying to sort these things out. What if I don't have time anymore?

Although maybe having too much time to think is my absolute downfall.

Time

2012-01-14T00:38:00.001Z

Everyone bangs on irritatingly about how quickly time flies. Unfortunately it's hard to get too annoyed by this cliche (or any cliche I suppose) because it is absolutely terrifyingly accurate, albeit overused. It's overused because it's so accurate. As soon as I got to the age of about 11 I started noticing the speed of life because I was at secondary school and for the first time really in my life I had two separate stages of time to differentiate between. So everything that happened at secondary school was suddenly comparable to when I was at primary school. For example, on my first ever residential trip when I was 12 we were in a dorm and would chat about what we did the months before, which was at primary school. And suddenly we could appreciate that tangible time had gone by because we had physically and emotionally moved to another place in life.

The thing that got me thinking about this particularly this time sounds frivolous but is rather poignant for me. Matt Willis posted a tweet saying that today is 7 years since Busted split up. They split up when I had just turned 13 and I had been a fan since I was 10. I was only one a few people I knew who loved them, and I covered all my school books with photos of them. I even had Busted pyjamas. I took great pride in the fact I was into a band who played actual instruments and I secretly loved that all my Black Eyed Peas-listening friends teased me for liking "grunger" music.

The morning that the split was announced was a school day and my dad came into my room quite early. He woke me up and broke the news and I remember just being in denial, telling him he must be wrong and convincing myself of the same. Then I got angry, wondering how they could do this to the fans. Then I got upset and cried most of the day. It was genuinely like the stages of grief, but compressed into 5 minutes.

All day at school people laughed at me and made fun of me and were delighted at how the "grunger" band had broken up.

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up and summarise the point I'm trying to make. The day I just described was 7 years ago. How can something so long ago still be so clear? This demonstrates the speed of life. Life goes so quickly that even something that occurred the best part of a decade ago is still in my mind, as fresh as if it were last month.

I don't know how this works.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2012-01-06T17:18:00.007Z

I think the most asked question to young children is What do you want to be when you grow up? Every time a child meets someone new, their own age or older, they ask the question. Something I've noticed recently is that young children always have an answer to that question. I don't think I've ever heard a child under the age of about 11 reply with "I don't know" (and I've known a lot of young children as my mum has been childminding since I was 4).

But when someone asks ME that question now, at the age of 20, I have no blooming idea how to answer.

Children tend to get asked "What do you want to BE?" and they can list of a million characters that they want to embody; fireman, vet, doctor, teacher...the list is really and truly endless. And they don't second guess their own answer, they say the exact thing that they want to be when they grow up and they don't consider for a split second that anything or anyone would try and deter them or get in their way.

However, we as young adults seem to get asked "What do you want to DO?". We can't just give the name of a type of person we want to emulate in our career path. We have to stop and we have to think about the things we want to DO when we are older.

DOING and BEING are horribly different. I remember first being aware of this when I began learning secondary school French when I was 11 and we had to learn verbs and put them with être (to be) or faire (to do) and I'd sit there trying to process whether I do or be the verbs.

But honestly, they are very different. Being someone is just being that person, you are that person, that's who you are. Doing something entails a process, usually a personal one; doing things is effort and work.

I miss when I used to just have to decide what I wanted to be. Because I can easily tell you a million things I want to be...I want to be happy and healthy and talented and determined and I want to be with my family and my friends.

But when you're asked what you want to do you have to consider actual processes, and the actions you want to take to get things done. Which is essentially and conclusively much more complex and involved than just knowing what you want to be.

Ending 2011 and starting 2012

2012-01-05T00:48:00.003Z

It's a few days late this year but I'm going to do my blog about the previous year, 2011 (: I think this is the 5th one of these I have done, which is pretty exciting to be honest. But anyway, I'm going to go through the aims etc I set at the start of last year and see how I got one.

AIMS FOR 2011

- Get 1400 subscribers on my YouTube channel
1343. To be fair this is the worst I've ever done at a subscriber aim, but it's less important to me now. I am making my videos more for me and my friends rather than the wider audience, which is right for me at the moment. I'm hugely appreciative of the people who still keep up to date with my channel (:

- Get over my psychological issues with blue cheese
Yes! Tried Stilton several times and really liked it!

- Get over my psychological issues with raw fish
No. This isn't going to happen.

- Go to Yo Sushi after I have completed prior aim
See above.

- Get my tattoo done
Totally gone off the idea of getting a tattoo, think I did at the start of the summer.

- Get involved in the radio at my university
I did go to one meeting about it but it's a disorganised system and they never contacted me back ):

- Get the dermatillomania to fugoff
I'm doing MUCH better (:

- Get at least a 2:1 in Media Arts and at least a 2:2 in Film and Popular Culture at the end of first year
I got a first in Media Arts and a very high 2:2 in Film (with a first on an essay and an exam), massively proud of myself (:

- Still keep in touch with all my friends from home
To the absolutely best of my ability, yes. Obviously we don't speak as often or see eachother as often but that is the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. It's nice knowing who is still there for me though (:

- Go on some sort of holiday with friends
YESSSSSS ohmygosh Spain was incredible :D

- Do lots of cooking/days out with Joe
We saw eachother a few times at the start of the year but then he decided he didn't want to be friends with me anymore

- Vlog MUCH more regularly
Sometimes I did, sometimes not. See the first point.

- Get a wide angle or a fish eye lens for my camera
Yep got a wide angle at last :D

- Get a place with Simon, Simon, Lizzie and Hannah (unless Simon ends up going to Australia ofc)
Living with Lizzie and Hannah with Tall Simon down the road and Small Simon is in England across the other side of Twicks (:

- Turn 20 without having a nervous breakdown
SUCCESS :D

- Buy something from the Abercrombie and Hollister store in Kingston XD
What was I thinking?

- Carry on learning to not be paranoid about what people think of me
Well I tried...

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2011

- My Chemical Romance with Simon!
AMAZING

- Les Mis with the other Simon!
AMAZING

- Getting a place with friends when we have to move out of halls
Nice

- Another 5 months in halls :D
Best thing ever, wish I were back there ):

- Making even more new friends at university
Lots (:

- More of my Media course
Adore it

- Everything really. I'm just so excited about everything to come!
Lovely. Lovely lovely lovely (:

And I also found at the end of the last end of year blog I wrote this:

"PS...It's mega weird to think that the next time I read this will probably be at the end of 2011. 365 days will have gone by and I will be reading it like OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST! And I'll be TWENTY. Future Jocy, seriously, please don't mature. That would be your biggest and most boring mistake ever."

I think I can say truly and honestly, OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST. Also, yes I am 20. And don't worry past Jocy, I didn't mature. I haven't made that big and boring mistake yet (:

And now the bit when I set my aims and things for the coming year, 2012!

AIMS FOR 2012
- Continue enjoying my course
- Get a 2:1 at the end of second year
- Stay with Stuart
- Not have arguments
- Lose weight
- Keep my hair in good conditioning PARTICULARLY by not straightening it very much at all
- Start thinking seriously about what I want to do after uni
- Turn 21 in a calm and sensible fashion :D
- Do not get mature. That would be tragic.
- Do something lovely with Stuart for our one year annimaversary (:
- Sort out my anxiety issues and just feel less ill and more healthy

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2012
- Completely the second year of my course
- Going to Madeira with my family and Stuart and uncle Warren
- Michael McIntyre with Stuart and his family
- Green Day American Idiot musical!!!!!
- NEW YORK
- Losing weight

I cannot believe it is 2012. I remember when we won the Olympic bid in 2005 when I was 13, 7 years ago. I remember how excited everyone was and how it seemed so far into the future and when I asked my mum if we could go she told me that I'd be nearly 21 by then and wouldn't need her to come with me. And back then I couldn't fathom that. And SURE AS HELLIO it happened, holy guacamole. Luckily I feel in the exact same mindset as I did back then from a JOCY point of view. Obviously in some senses I'm older but I'm essentially the exact same person.

2011 was insane. Falling in love with Stuart being the most notable of all insanities XD Joe parting ways from me being another insanity. Both of these things I just didn't think would happen, and have showed me that literally anything can and will happen, good or bad, whether you expect it or not.

Ultimately, it's been incredible. Hello 2012 (:

A blog in progress

2011-12-28T02:09:00.007Z

Ten highlights of 2011

10. Halls
9. Animal park with Stu, Becky and Ben
8. Decorating my room
7. Breaking into the loft
6. Getting stuck in the lift
5. Segway around Bruges
4. Barry Roadtrip
3. Falling down Primrose Hill
2. Spain
1. Stuart

OMG WTF 2011

2011-12-25T01:39:00.003Z

So I usually wait until new year's eve until I do my big reminiscent and sentimental blog about the past year and the forthcoming one, and whilst I am not saying I shan't be doing one next week too, there are some things I want to talk about now as well.

Firstly...HOW DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?! Like seriously. Some things happened this year that I honest to god would not have thought possible in a MONTH OF SUNDAYS. Ps where does that saying come from? I'm quoting the grandpa in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but seriously that makes no sense. I know what he means though, and it is also what I mean.

Back to it. WHAT THE HELL. HOW. WHY. Ugh. I'm not complaining, but I'm just really not comprehending. I think for my own sake I need to write this down, because it's a mush in my head. Let's give this some order.

FIRST THING:
Jocy Got A Boyfriend Who She Loves To Absolute Pieces And Who Loves Her This Much Back
I am not going to do a poor little me act, because I've never worried about boys not liking me, or even particularly thought that boys didn't like me. But whilst my friends were worrying about GETTING boys to like them I really couldn't be bothered and I was of the mentality that when it happened it would happen. I just didn't think I was correct.
But lo and behold, I was. Circumstantially, me and Stuart even crossing paths was so unlikely that it genuinely terrifies me to think about. He had trouble hearing back from our uni, I applied totally last minute, I didn't get a place in Halls till a week before moving in and prior to that I didn't even APPLY for the Halls I eventually DID get put in. Stuart is doing sport, I'm doing media. There is NO WAY IN HELL that we would have met if it wasn't for the PURE CHANCE that we were placed down the same corridor. This terrifies me. Everything is so freaking unlikely, and when amazing stuff happens there is more of chance that it wouldn't have happened. Maybe this is why every day of my life I can't believe I'm with Stuart. Or maybe it's because he is quite literally everything I have ever heard any of my girl friends wish they had in a boyfriend. I'm just so unbelievably lucky, that's all there is to it, it is pure categorical luck that we met, and that makes it even more bloomin' incredible.

SECOND THING:
Not Drinking Is Still Proving To Be An Obstacles With Friendships
I've grown apart from some uni people this year. There is NO WAY I would be arrogant enough as to claim it is no one's fault, because of course it is. We are all busy, and it is so much harder to keep in contact outside of Halls, especially when we are scattered over a few miles. But they all see eachother when they go out clubbing or drinking, and I DESPISE these pursuits. Granted, when I was at school it actually lost me friends whereas now it just makes it harder to relate to people, and for them to relate to me. But I am baffled by the fact that it's still somewhat of a downfall. It feels a bit unfair. But I know I'm the minority. But I really did think that as I got older the novelty of alcohol and parties would wear off for people. How naive of me. I'm not slating anyone who likes this stuff, I just can't believe that it's still getting in the way of other thought processes in my brain.

THIRD THING:
Jocy And Joe Are Not Really Anything Anymore
Let me tell you this for a fact, if it were up to me, Joe would still be my best friend. Because ultimately I really couldn't give a flying fart how much he annoyed me, there is nothing he could do that was bad enough for me to not want him in my life anymore. Unfortunately this is not an outlook he shared (though I'd be lying if I said I thought he didn't think like this up until this all happened). What adds insult to injury is that I feel the FALL-OUT was entirely unjustified. And then there was the whole Facebook message in which he told me we shouldn't talk for a while and 3 days later he had deleted me off Facebook. I guess not talking for a while didn't actually mean not talking for a while, it meant he didn't want any contact with me ever again. Which is pretty hurtful and was without a doubt the worst thing that happened to me this year. Or in maybe quite a few years. I never thought this would happen. Ugh I do not want to get upset now but how can I not be? I don't want to not be friends with him anymore. I have some of my best memories with him, and I just want him back if I'm totally honest. I planned on this section being all like "Ho hum, c'est la vie" but as much as this IS life, this is also unbelievably shit. I kind of feel like he's died, because he's not in my life anymore as anything other than a memory. That's what death is to the people left behind. I'm bloody glad he's not dead, which I did text him to tell him last month (he didn't reply), but I wish he was still ALIVE IN MY LIFE for want of a less cliche phrase. In the unlikely event that he reads this (he's unfollowed me from everything he originally followed me on) I would quite like him to know that I miss the hell out of him and as much as I'm fairly furious at how this whole situation was dealt with, I'd have never been the one to throw him away.

FOURTH THING:
Jocy Moved Into A Flat
For 18 years I lived with my parents. Then for a year I lived in a protective bubble on campus. Now I live in a flat, with a rent, without supervision of any kind. There isn't much to say about this other than APOGDSHFJKGFCVX#old

Okay well I thought there would be more things to this but it turns out there's not. I think this explains the general gist of my brain round about now. We can summarise this in 4 concise points:

1. JOCY LOVES STUART LOADS
2. JOCY STILL DOESN'T LIKE ALCOHOL
3. JOE DOESN'T LIKE JOCY
4. JOCY HAS FLAT

Good night and merry holidays x

ALSO.

2011-12-19T20:50:00.002Z

In the new year I'm going to buy a set of scales, one that show up a digital number so that nothing can be misconstrued. And I'm going to stand religiously on those scales every single day and read that hideous number if that isn't enough to make me stop eating then nothing will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOG.

2011-12-19T20:12:00.001Z

Finished uni for the semester. Worked my absolute behind off like never before. Got one assignment back and did not do as well as I had hoped. Kind of dreading getting the rest back because doing not as well as you hoped is ten times worse when you know you tried your absolute best.

2011-12-13T01:42:00.001Z

I really can't write a big blog post now because I've had a mega long day and still haven't been to sleep on account of the billion decibel wind and rain storm outside that has been blazing for the last god knows how many hours.

But I really want to vlog and blog more regularly because legacies are important.

So my officially December 13th resolution is to do just that.

Good night, for now x

Getting over things

2011-10-25T22:34:00.002+01:00

I've never really understood the concept of "getting over" something. What does it even mean? I spose the context I've heard it in most was when my friends broke up with they boy/girlfriends at secondary school and used to say things like "I'll never get over him/her" and "How do I get over him/her?" And I always used to wonder, why do you WANT to get over them?

I don't for a moment think that it's healthy to never "get over" someone. But I don't think it's particularly healthy to entirely "get over" someone who impacted your life, whether it be in a good way or a bad way.

I can relate this to two things in my life. The first was this guy I liked for a few years in secondary school. Nothing really ever happened, but I only "got over" him when I got to uni and didn't have to see him every day. And by "got over" I mean that I stopped fancying him. But I haven't REALLY "got over" it because it still makes me sad when I think about how much he messed me around. But I don't think this is a bad thing. I think that it's fine for the remnants of a past ANYTHING to linger. It shows that it had an effect on you, and is affecting how you live your life today. It is proof that the experience moulded you. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces (even more so than I did the last time I wrote that in my blog probably) but that doesn't detract from how I used to feel about the person that I used to fancy. And that's fine. Because how happy I am now with Stuart just reaffirms how not happy the person I used to like made me, and how not happy I would have essentially have been if it were him I'd ended up with. So I really don't want to ever FULLY "get over" the guy because then how would I be so sure of how much I love Stuart if I had nothing to gauge it against? I learnt so much from that whole shebang, and I don't want to be over it.

The other thing I can relate this to is much more fresh on my mind because it happened more recently. I wouldn't have blogged about it had the person it happened with not deleted me off Facebook, because as far as I'm concerned, this day in age that is the do or die in wanting to cut contact with someone. So I don't feel like I'm invading anything by writing it here. The short and short of it is that I'm not best friends with the person who I was best friends with for abour 5 years anymore. I feel fine about it at the moment, but I know that's because it hasn't sunk in yet. Once it hits me properly I'll probably cry for ages. And then I'll be fine. I'll "get over it". Somehow, "getting over it" seems a more attractive choice in this example than in the above. Maybe it's because I still feel angry about it, maybe it's because I feel I've been unfairly treated, or maybe it's because I just cannot bear to hang onto anything to do with him any longer. Part of me really REALLY wants to "get over" it. I can't listen to the music of the bands we saw in concert together. I can't look at photos of us from over the years. I just want no emotional/tangible link to anything to do with him and what we had as best friends. I think I do really honestly want to get over him. Or maybe I don't, maybe it's just because of the reasons I aforementioned.

So the past few hours I've been trying to work out, how do you get over someone who helped to mould most aspects of you? I feel like he'll never be gone from my life because there's barely anything I can think of that doesn't relate to something we had at some point or another. I want to throw everything of his that I own away, I want to erase as much of him as possible. I'm not going to do these things because I'm probably just being dramatic because it's still sore. Deep down I know that it's not healthy to "get over" it. I should be able to see that in hindsight our friendship wasn't meant to be forever like we both thought. And I should be able to look back and smile at what was. At the moment I can't do this, but this is what I'm aiming for. After all, I was the one who was deleted. I would never be the deleter. This is how I know I can't get rid of all of his stuff and erase all of our photos together. Because I can't DO deleting. I'm too obsessed with photos and blogs and videos. It's in my nature to record things.

Conclusively, this is why I think I do not believe in getting over anything. It should always be there. A legacy of what was. Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was, and it should remain.

2011-09-13T14:35:00.002+01:00

I'm sitting in the ref at uni. Last year I must have eaten over 100 meals here, each one sitting with a group of the best people I have ever met. I've got some of my best memories in this room. Banoffee pie and curly fries, becoming obsessed with the salad bar, facepalming the incompetence of the staff and making vlogs in here right at the end. Every face in here always looked familiar, even the ones belonging to people I never spoke to or met. And when we were finished we would walk back to Halls and within 10 minutes we were piled into someone's room doing something or other, but always laughing.

I'm sitting in the ref. I'm waiting for Stuart to come out of his lecture. I've never waited for someone in the ref before because I always went back to my room and waited there. But now I have to wait here. No one looks familiar because every face is new. Everyone is younger than me. I haven't got a group of people sitting with me to laugh with because this isn't our domain anymore. We have been turfed out and thrown into the next stage of our lives, and in this stage we don't have the self-enclosed university campus to rely on for our daily routine anymore.

I think I feel jealous more than anything, solely because my first year of uni was the best time of my life so far. I'm jealous of the people who are just embarking on it because I know that even if their experience is half as good as mine then it will be absolutely incredible. They've got hours in the ref to look forward to in which they will create their own memories that will be some of the best they've ever had.

I'm very much looking forward to being settled in my new routine of living off-campus so that it can hopefully be just as, if not more amazing than my year in Halls was.

I know from experience that life isn't about where you are, it's about who you're with. And I'm still with the same favourite people so I believe I can continue having a brilliant time, even if my stint in Halls is over.

This blog could easily have a million chapters.

2011-08-15T23:00:00.003+01:00

I have so much stuff that I want to get off of my chest. I want to be creative but I don't feel like vlogging is a feasible way to do this at the moment. I wish I could explain that in greater depth, for my own sake, but I really can't. I just know that I'm not really feeling up to making videos at the moment. Which has had some horrific knock-on effects, or maybe this is the knock-on effect from other things, but either way, it's terrible. I hopefully will be able to talk about that more in the very near future.

So instead I'm going to talk about something that has been angering the hell out of me lately. Basically, a lot of people I know (from primary school and secondary school mostly) have been having babies lately, very young. As in from the ages of 16-19. This isn't what's angering me. What's angering me is this one particular girl who I went to school with who had a baby at 18 and in my mind is an absolutely diabolical mother. It scares me that I feel this strongly about it because I know that I am in no means qualified to do so. But this girl has been posting stuff on Facebook lately that has made my blood utterly boil. I shouldn't do this really, but I'm going to have to paste the status she posted earlier.

"Some On Just Got Off The Train Which Was Full Of Pakis With A 'Team BMP' Top On Hhe Must Be Feeling Brave lool :P x"

I'm not going to pass judgement on the absolutely atrocious spelling and grammar (ahem), but the content of this status, I'm going to judge the absolute hell out of that.

She's a mother who casually refers to minorities as "pakis" and thinks that she supports the "BMP". It would be bad enough if she supported the BNP, but the fact that she is so illiterate (and presumable deaf?) that she doesn't even know that it's the BNP (British National Party) as opposed to the British Mational Party. She doesn't know what the acronym of the political party that she apparently supports stands for. This is ridiculous in itself, but what takes this to a whole new level of absolute tragedy is that the BNP are a fascist group of neo-Nazis who want everyone but the "true British" out of the country. It's run by a HOLOCAUST DENIER.

As a Jew with absolutely no "British" blood (every single one of my great grandparents is from Eastern Europe) and who believes firmly in multi-culturalism I am quite frankly terrified of anyone who supports such a party. But what terrifies me more is that the girl who posted this has a baby daughter who has a mother who is going to raise her in such a way that she is going to be indoctrinated with racist ideals, and really, what hope does that give her? More so, what hope does that give us? That mothers are willing to be so casually racist in such a public domain as Facebook, mothers who have small children to bring up. The figure of speech, "bring up" seems somewhat contrary here, because to me, forcing BNP levels of racism upon your young family is knocking them down more than bringing them up.

Which brings me to the question I have been asking myself since I saw the status she posted this evening: Is she a bad mother?

The other side of the coin is that the majority of her other statuses (aside from "The BMP Wouldn't Let This Happen David Cameron Needs To Go!" on Monday night during the worst of the rioting - ironic bearing in mind lots of white people were involved too) are about how much she adores her daughter. She takes her on holiday, she quite clearly loves her a lot. But does this really go hand-in-hand with her being a blatant racist? To me, it does not. Her daughter will grow up being loved, I would never dispute that. But her daughter will also grow up hating ethnic minorities. Which in my eyes makes her destined to be a bad human and a negative contribution to society already. Surely the process of "bringing up" is to create a worthy, good citizen? It is in my eyes.

So I have come to the conclusion that in my opinion, this girl is not a good mother. She can buy her daughter all the toys in the world and shower her with as many cuddles and kisses as is humanely possible. But if her daughter is going to grow up to be a racist due to her mother's racist influence, then I do not believe she has been parented in a good way.

Marriage and the like; some thoughts.

2011-07-17T21:32:00.004+01:00

Right so I had initially planned to vlog about all this but I've since then decided to write a blog about it first so that my vlog is more concise, because honestly this is something I'm VERY confused about.

I'm 19 years old. I'm at university, I've been with my (first) boyfriend for 5 months, I'm unemployed. I'm in full time education and I have hobbies and I do any work experience I can get my hands on. I hang out with my friends, any money I can save I use for concerts, days out and ice cream. This is the stage of my life that I am at, and this is the life most of the people my own age that I know are living.

Unsurprisingly, when I realised that it is now a norm for people of my age, and at my stage in life to get MARRIED. The last month or so, SO MANY of my friends have got engaged. And from Facebook and the nature of the newsfeed, I also know that many of my friends' friends are getting married and engaged, also of my own age.

I am gobsmacked. Initially, I was gobsmacked because I just felt that surely I can't be so old that I'm an age when getting engaged is socially acceptable? And then I have to remind myself that I'm 19, and despite the fact that I still feel the same as when I was 16, I'm not 16 any more.

So then I thought it through and I decided that fair enough, people getting engaged at this age is totally fine. Legally, it's totally legit, and we are mature and we can think for ourselves and make our own decisions. And we are old enough when we can have been with someone for a few years, and if that is long enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our life with them then why the hell should we NOT get married to them?

And then I thought of it some more. Marriage is about so much more than how old we are and how long we've been with our other half. And I came to the conclusion that getting engaged at my AGE is totally fine. But getting engaged if you're at my stage of life...in my opinion, that's just bizarre.

I find it hard to fathom that anyone who is at uni, loving spending day in and day out with their friends and having a laugh living on Sainsbury's Basics can be ready to get married. It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 29 (after all, the term "young" so so subjective, as it could refer to someone that is 6 or someone that is 26), marriage is much more to do with the stage you are at in your life.

I'm so happy for all the people I know who have recently got engaged. I think it's so lovely that they are getting ready to commit to spending the rest of their life with the person that they love. But I really don't see why they think it's necessary. I love my boyfriend to absolute pieces and I adore the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. Do I feel like this means I have to marry him asap? No I don't. Me and Stuart like it, but we don't need to put a ring on it. We're extremely happy together, we see eachother a lot of the time and when I'm not with him I miss him a lot. But we don't need to get engaged, because we know that if we are still together when this stage of our lives is over, then that will be an option. But for now, at the stage of life we are currently at, we are not planning our marriage. We can plan ON marrying eachother ONE DAY, but now, it's just not relevant to our lives.

Which is why I am absolutely not knocking anyone I know who has recently got, or is getting engaged, at our age. I passionately believe that each is to their own, and I will always stick by that. However that does not make it any easier for me to comprehend how someone at this (and by this, I mean the stage of life I've been referring to throughout this blog) point in life can have marriage as a feasible option.

As I said, I would never judge or knock anyone who is not likeminded to me. I am so, so interested in this as it has suddenly become very prominent in my life, so if anyone has any experiences of themselves or their friends, or even if anyone just has an opinion on this, I'd be massively enthusiastic about hearing it.

Thank you for reading, and please leave your views (:

A really nice true story.

2011-07-16T01:48:00.000+01:00

Here is a really nice true story from late Tuesday night and the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Well the last almost fortnight I have stayed at the Flair House (the house in Twicks that my boyfriend and four of my best friends ((David, Benji, Simon and Michael)) have for whilst at unimaversity). The first 4 days I was there Stuart was there too but then on the Friday he had to go home. And I saw him on the Saturday evening for MCR at iTunes Fest. But afterwards he had to go home and I was going back to the Flair House and we had to say goodbye to each other at Waterloo at gone midnight and neither of us wanted to say bye and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life, I was so upset and the train journey was torturous and I just was very upset ):

And the reason I was so upset was because I had no idea when I was seeing him next, at this stage we had to leave it at “Maybe see you next week, but if not I’ll see you in about 5 weeks time” and that prospect was awful, it was the not knowing how long the goodbye was for that made the goodbye so bad.

All of the Sunday I still felt very sad, and I did on the Monday too. I felt quite shaken up from the horrible goodbye and I still didn’t know if I was seeing him before the month was out.

On Monday night Stuart texted me saying he was coming back to the Flair House on Tuesday evening, and I was so very happy, I was really ecstatic. But on Tuesday it got to the evening and I hadn’t heard from him and I was really losing hope that I would see him. I had a nice evening because Lizzie came round, but I missed Stuart very lots.

So you can imagine how happy I was when at about 10pm Stuart texted me! However because it was quite late he said that he couldn’t come to the Flair House till the following morning. I was extremely disappointed, but very happy because I knew when I was next seeing him. But a big part of me was upset because I had so looked forward to seeing him very soon, and it would be another 12 hours yet.

At about midnight, Stuart was texting me so that we could make plans for me meeting him at the station the following morning. Just as I texted him telling him that I would be there at 10.39 to meet him, I heard a noise at the door. This is what happened next:

Jocy: What was that?

Lizzie: You better go and have a look.

Michael: Maybe it’s Stuart.

Jocy: …No…

Lizzie: Go and have a look.

Stuart had planned all along since he started texting me that night that he would surprise me at the Flair House! He was already on the train on his way when he texted me telling me that he’d be there tomorrow!

So I got up and just as I walked towards the hallway, Stuart was standing right in front of me.

And then I gave him the biggest hug in the world and I was so so happy. It was one of the loveliest things someone has ever done. When I heard the front door noise for a tiny split second I thought “Ohh I so badly wish that was Stuart” but I didn’t let myself process the thought properly because I just thought I’d disappoint myself! But it was Stuart, he came to surprise me and it was so lovely.

The end, I hope you like my really nice true story (:

Oh, to have no clue!

2011-07-08T18:02:00.002+01:00

I have given up on the idea that I will ever be a television presenter.

Realistically, I am 19 and a half years old and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I know a few (hopefully) determining factors:

1. I want to travel a lot in the not too distant future, and then (hopefully) quite regularly thereafter.
2. I want to be with Stuart forever.
3. I do not want to work in an office.
4. I do not want a monotonous 9-5 job.
5. I want to work with lots of different types of people.
6. I don't want so much responsibility that I can't enjoy and relax in my job, but I want enough responsibility that I am contributing, making a positive difference and earning respect from my co-workers.
7. I want to work in something that makes a noticeable difference to at least some peoples' lives.

Any ideas, chuck em at me :P

I want to tell people about this.

2011-06-29T16:58:00.000+01:00

YouTube made me so happy for so many years; it gave me such confidence and such a sense of identity. I now feel like it's being snatched away from me, I find myself wondering if it was ever a good idea from the start.

A couple of months ago my partnership was taken away from me. I only knew because I launched the homepage one day to find a banner inviting me to apply. So obviously I thought "But I already am one", and then upon going to my Channel (banners missing) and logging on to AdSense (partnership withdrawal email) I realised that this had been taken from me.

I was never a Partner for the money. Which was lucky, because I never got any as the closed my account £10 short of the amount when they post me a cheque. No, I applied to be a partner because of the recognition and notability. I was so proud to be considered worthy, as I knew the application process could be difficult. I was so elated to get it first time and I made my family and friends proud. Not only that, I put it on my CV and university applications, and talked about it at job interviews. I never failed a single one, and I always felt that being a YouTube partner was a big contribution to that. Everyone has heard of YouTube, and I felt so, so proud.

I had wanted to be a TV presenter for years. I did work experience and extra-curricular projects to help me along, and being a Partner filled me with belief that I stood out a tiny bit from all the others who wanted the same career. I told a group of 300 like-minded students about it on a day at Channel 4's HQ in which we were finding out about the industry and work experience prospects. Everyone was so impressed and I had adults and teens alike asking me about it for the rest of the day. I was proud, and I was hopeful that one day I'd succeed at what I really wanted to do.

Things have changed now I'm not a YouTube partner. I'm sure I had the privilege taken from me for economic reasons that the company unfairly have, but I have taken it very personally. I vlogged avidly for 4 years, attended YouTube gatherings, made friends and encouraged more people to vlog. I used my Partnership to aid my future career, and to better my current prospects. What more could I have done with it? I used it in the most worthy way I could. And it was snatched from me. I no longer stand out in this way, I am just another student who wants to be on TV. My confidence feels knocked, as for the first time in my life I am doubting my future career. I was so determined and set on what I wanted, and now realism has shrouded that and I am very much aware that I need to rethink. I don't know how to make a vlog that's true to myself, because for the first time since I began my video hobby, I feel a hatred for YouTube. I feel a hatred that they've made me doubt myself, fear that I won't succeed, and removed my sense of belonging of such a lovely group. I don't know if I want to go to the Harry Potter premiere with my YouTube friends, because I don't know if I can bear to be around them knowing that the site doesn't consider me as worthy as last time I was with them all.

Harry Potter is what introduced me to the world of vlogging on YouTube, and I don't know if I can stand being around the people who saw me start off in 2007, because in all honesty I just feel ashamed.

I feel like I'm going through such a crisis. I feel like opportunities are vanishing before my eyes (such as the NextUp competition YouTube are hosting to find new talent, that is only open to Partners) and I feel like a different person.

I hate YouTube for doing this to me.

All in all, a great week :D

2011-06-06T00:08:00.003+01:00

I've had even more nice days, meaning that I've had an entirely successful week!

On Friday I went to Twickenham and signed the contract for my flat, and got to properly chat with and get to know my landlord. He's really nice and laid back and funny. I saw my grandparents for an hour or so in the evening and then went on to do 6 hours of babysitting which earned me £40 which was very useful for Saturday's pursuits.

On Saturday I went and got my hair done It was a mahoosive dye job and took 5 and a half hours. It's not really how I wanted/expected it but I don't hate it really and I've always been of the opinion that "hair is just hair" so I'm not going to whine. I do really appreciate the effort the salon went to, they had to phone around academies and stuff to find out how to do what I wanted. Admittedly, it didn't work nevertheless, but the effort was there. I may be £128 down but I got a cut and colour. Even if I am now an unexpected blonde.

Today I went to Lakeside with my parents to get some last bits for my holiday and when I came back I napped on the sofa for an hour and then one of my oldest friends, Manda, came over for dinner and a catchup. We've been friends since she was 11 and I was 12, so that's 7 years. We've stayed close the whole time and it was so lovely to chat about our respective lives; her last year of school and my first year of uni.

I spent all afternoon and evening (whilst chatting) packing and getting ready for tomorrow (which is technically today now!!!) when I am off to Stuart's house for a few days before we head to Spain!

I'm so unbelievably excited to see him, it will have been 8 days which doesn't sound like anything, but when you spend 24/7 with someone for 3 months then 8 days without them seems ages!! So excited!!!!

Another busy day today, and one tomorrow too!

2011-06-02T23:57:00.002+01:00

I had another nice day today.

One of my best friends from school, Aimee, turned up as a kind of surprise, like she phoned me and said "Jocy, I'm down your road and I just ran over a pigeon" and I said "Oh dear, I better get dressed then!" and we sat and chatted for a few hours. Same as with Joe, we needed a proper catchup because obviously we don't see eachother huge amounts any more and had lots of things to talk about. It was lovely hearing all her updates and having a gossip about people we both know from school and me getting to tell her all about what's been going on in my life.

This evening I tried to sort out my sham of a bedroom (no furniture, remember) by hanging some of my clothes up on the clothes rail my parents bought for me. I also started packing for holiday. People are coming to measure up and give a quote for the laminate floor I'm getting put in, which is a nice pale grey wood colour and effect. Hopefully it will look really nice with the pale, pale bluey-green with Tardis blue accents that me and Stu painted the room in. I'm hoping to get dark, charcoal grey furniture so I think it will look awesome and modern.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to Twickenham to give the deposit, first month's rent and to sign the contract for my flat, which is extremely exciting! Also it's lovely that I get to see Lizzie again so soon, as originally I thought I wouldn't see her for the first few weeks at least of summer. Tomorrow evening I am seeing my grandparents for a bit and then I'm off to do 5 hours of babysitting. It will be great from two points of view. Firstly it will be fun because it's two of the little boys my mum childminds and they're cute and when they saw me this morning (for the first time in weeks) they greeted me with "HELLO JOCELYN!" (the three year old) and "HELLO DOSSLELYN!" (the one year old), and obviously from a financial point of view it's perfect.

Anyway, I'm going to maybe watch something in iPlayer and then head to bed.

xxx

I want to write a blog but my eyes are burning from tiredness. Ho hum, needs must.

2011-06-02T01:19:00.004+01:00

I'm having a nice time being home from university for the summer. As long as I don't let myself think about the fact my lovely little room on the first floor of De Marillac is now empty, I'm fine. I got home on Sunday. On Monday I had to go back to Twickenham to go to two house viewings with Lizzie, who I am living with. We also met up with one of our best friends, Sam. It was a wonderful day. It was a wonderful day because we got a place, a lovely flat a 20 minute walk from uni. It's in a quiet cul-de-sac, has 3 double bedrooms along with a spacious kitchen, open plan living room - dining area and a bathroom with a shower. It's very perfect indeed. To make it even more amazing, it's just off of the road that the boys (4 of my best friends plus my boyfriend) are living down. 15 minute walk in a straight line. Even I can manage that! It's ideal and I'm ecstatic. It was also a wonderful day because us three girls got to have a proper chitchat for hours and hours, we stayed in Cafe Nero till closing time and moved onto Spoons for a pitcher of Pimms. It was lovely and girly, which I hadn't had in a while so it was perfect.

On Tuesday my mum had the day off work so her and I went shopping together. I got a last few bits for my holiday with my friends to Spain next week (sandals, bag, hairbands, from Primark, can't go wrong) so that was productive. We also did a healthy food shop, because as much as I'm not so much trying to lose weight for holiday, I want to have a better digestive system, clear skin (although to be honest I have never had an issue with my skin) and just feel better about myself for the summer. Then that evening we cooked dinner together, which was nice.

Today (Wednesday) was also great. My best friend ever from my mid-secondary school days, Joe, came over. We sat and chatted for 5 hours. We used to see each other every week before I went to uni, and obviously since it's been more of a struggle to communicate all the time like we used to. But we both know that our friendship doesn't depend on that, and that we can pick up where we left off whenever we like. Additionally, nothing will ever change in that when it comes to some things, we're the only person the other will discuss them with. So it was brilliant to see him for a huge catchup today, we had a lot of talking to do. Also today I went to the hairdressers for a consultation. I'm very excited about my appointment on Saturday because I'm getting a style that I've been eyeing up for ages. It's called ombre and is the effect when your hair is dark at the top and gradually fades as you travel to the tips, where it is the lightest. I hope that it will be perfect for the summer.

However I am starting to really miss Stuart (the boyf) who I haven't seen since we left uni on Sunday, as he is away with his family this week. But on Monday I'm going to stay at his for a few days, and then at about 3am on Thursday morning we are heading to Gatwick, meeting Ben, Becky, Jordan and David and jetting off to Spain for the week! I'm so excited, I absolutely can't wait. I can't wait to see Stu and spend some time with him and his family, and I can't wait for my first holiday with just friends and no adults!

Oh and another thing I forgot to mention, I have a job lined up. It is the perfect kind of job for me because as opposed to being full or part time, it is one-off days throughout the summer. This is ideal because it means I'm not tied down to contracted hours and can therefore see lots of my friends and also hopefully get some more work experience in the media industry packed in somewhere. Anyway, the job is invigilating in a test centre and I get training and it's all expenses paid, so there are lots of bonuses. Only downfall is the early starts, but they have said once I get to a certain level in the training I will be allowed to have more sociable hours.

Anyway, the contract for my flat starts on June 8th, which is next week. I'll hopefully visit the flat as soon as I'm back from holiday, and spend time there with various friends and family throughout the summer. I'm doing lots more before June is out, but I'm getting more and more tired so that can be for another blog!

Hope everyone is well, and that those with exams have lots of luck!

Jocy x

I did it.

2011-05-30T00:44:00.003+01:00

I'm back in Essex for the summer, which means I have 100% officially finished my first year of university. Did I ever really believe that I'd get to this point in 2011? Hell no I didn't, I totally thought I was going to bail out of UCAS and do a gap year. But against all of the odds, I did it :D

I feel absolutely stunningly clearheaded, which is totally surprising for me. I have been really teary about the whole thing, every time one of my friends left Halls I have been a wreck. But last night and this morning when I had to clear my own room out I felt really fine. I think the closure was a lot to do with the fact that I wrote a letter to the next person who gets my room, giving some advice and telling them to look after 141 for me. I feel like the business of living there is finished and that I can move on from that stage of my life.

Living there was the best 8 months of my life. Reading back from my blog from my first week there and being excited about living there for 8 months gives me goosebumps, because I've experienced such a transition. I've come into my own at university, I feel more independent, confident and so much more comfortable in my own skin. The time has been spent with the most incredible people I've ever met, and I've developed the most unreal friendships. On top of that I met my boyfriend (under unbelievable circumstances - we didn't talk at all during the first semester despite the fact we spent so much time around the same people, as we didn't know we had anything in common. Lo and behold, we've been together over three months now!) and I've just had the absolute time of my life. I moved into 141 without a friendship group, with less confidence that I made out I had and with a cynical outlook on most things. I left room 141 after spending 8 months with the best friends ever, feeling good about myself and with my boyfriend next to me. I think that's why I felt so much better about leaving than I thought I would.

So now I'm back home. I have no money, no bedroom furniture and no university. I could be feeling skint, disorganised and lonely. But instead I feel skint, disorganised and liberated. Everything I achieved this year I never thought I would, and I wouldn't change any of it for anything. It was the most mindblowingly perfect 8 months, more so than I could have have dared to dream it would be!

Today is the start of the rest, not the end of what was.

Michael just left Halls.

2011-05-22T16:31:00.002+01:00

When you apply for Halls of Residence at my university, you are allocated your room on an entirely random basis. Some unis do it by getting applicants to fill in a sheet which basically describes their personality and interests, and they room people based on that, so compatible people are near eachother. Some unis do it based on the subject the student is studying, so that people near eachother have that in common. But at my university, it is done entirely randomly.

MEMORY ONE.
It was the end of the summer holidays, September 6th 2010. A few days previously me and Estelle (close friend from back home who is at university with me) had found out that we had been allocated Halls, even though we had thought we would have to live out. I went round to her house and we spent the whole afternoon on the Facebook group set up for people moving into my Halls so we could meet eachother beforehand. Everyone posted on the wall of the group with their room number, so that you could see who you were living near to. I found "Room 140" posted on the wall by someone called Michael and was so excited because I had been given room 141. I had a look on his Facebook and saw that he loved books, Doctor Who, acting, theatre, Shakespeare, writing, The Killers...all the same things as me. I was immediately excited because I couldn't believe someone who I had so much in common with was going to be living so near to me, completely by chance! I was so happy. We talked on Facebook quite a lot in the 13 days before we moved in, and decided that as soon as we both arrived we would go and say hello.

MEMORY TWO.
September 19th. I had moved into Halls. The first thing I did once my mum and dad had said goodbye and left was so go and knock on Michael's door (which was actually opposite me as opposed to next door as we originally thought it would be). He opened the door. We stared at eachother in silence for about 2 seconds, and then both simultaneously started jumping up and down and screaming at eachother, we were just so excited!

LOTS MORE MEMORIES.
Over the 8 months that we lived as opposite next door neighbours I have so many memories. Passing notes under eachother's doors in the early hours of the morning, watching Doctor Who together, having a day in London in which we went to see Michael Gambon in a play and spent hours and hours in the National Portrait Gallery and Waterstones, coming back from a walk around Halls to find hilarious photos of Michael set as my desktop background, seeing him in Sweeney Todd and being so so proud and so, so many hilarious trips to the ref.

ANOTHER MEMORY.
The one worst day in Halls that I can think of is the day that Michael broke the news to me that he wasn't coming back in second year. He said that he wasn't enjoying his course and was going to go to a different university somewhere else. I was absolutely devastated and cried for two hours. All I could think was that I wasn't ready for anything to change yet; it was all so perfect. I didn't exactly love the idea of us not living in Halls next year even if we were still in the same town, and the thought of Michael in a different part of the country was absolutely awful. I was so devastated, but it was an idea that I had to get used to.

ANOTHER MEMORY.
About two months after hearing the news that Michael was leaving at the end of the year for good, I got another piece of news. He had changed his mind and was staying after all! I was absolutely elated.

ONE MORE MEMORY.
Today, May 22nd 2011, Michael went home. Only for the summer thank goodness, but he's gone back to his home town. He cleared out his room in Halls, and I went with him to give his key back. We had a last hug and a last laugh in Halls, and he's gone. No longer my opposite next door neighbour. I know I'll see him nearly every day next year, and I am seeing him next month even, but that's not what I'm upset about. I'm in mourning for the times we had over the past 8 months. He was the first person I spoke to when I got to university. I've had the best time of my whole life living in Halls, it's been everything I wouldn't have even dared to dream it would be plus more. And I've met the absolute best people that I could ever have met. Michael leaving has really signified the end of all this for me. I'm here for another week, but it'll be so different without him living a meter from me!

I am so excited about the rest of my life, because I know the people who are in it now are the people who will be in it forever. And I know that this past year is only the beginning.

2011-04-20T01:50:00.002+01:00

I haven't blogged in ages. Sometimes stuff happens in life and you find your previous commitments wavering due to new ones, and this is what has happened to me. I am not going into the big long disgustingly adorable, soppy, film-esque story, but the short and short of it is that I have a boyfriend now (yay for unintentional Boys Like Girls song references) and most of my time has been spent with him. (:

The strange thing about the past 8 weeks and 3 days (not that I'm counting xD) is that I've had little time to think. Obviously I've been thinking, but usually I analyse and ponder over every aspect of my life. I used to take time to do this because I had time to do this. And also, there were gaps in my life for me to fill with daydreams and way too good to be true hypothetical situations that I never truly believed happened to anyone, much less to myself.

More on that later.

My boyfriend (Stuart) goes to the same uni as me. He lives in the and Halls, down the same corridor. We spend pretty much 24/7 together. Because we can, and we want to and it's perfect that way. There's litle or no time for the independent, deep thought processes I used to have most days, because my mind is otherwise engaged. For the most part, I don't miss it at all, because I have no reason to. But as of last Friday, me and Stu are with our respective families and had to say goodbye for the next 9 days. Having so much of my own company for the first time in over 8 weeks is extremely strange, and has made me realise things.

Firstly, I don't like my own company very much. I like it when I'm working on a personal project, such as photo editing or vlogging, but in large doses I get very lonely. I need near-constant interaction.

Secondly, I work better with people around me. I am much happier sitting down and doing 5 hours of Photoshop coursework if I have 3 people sitting on my bed behind me having a chat. I need to know I've got friends around me, or I don't feel the same level of academic motivation. I think this is because I work better if people are impressed with the work I'm doing; their praise and compliments are incentive to push myself harder.

Thirdly, the past 8 weeks and 3 days hadn't sunk in at all. I knew this at the time to be fair, and kept telling Stu so. But only know that I've got the time to truly process how much my life has changed can I really digest it. I knew I was grateful, and mindblown and I knew how lucky I felt. But now I can really see what's happened, and I think I'm starting to honestly believe it's real.

I didn't believe it to be real at first. I convinced myself on several occasions I'd made the whole scenario up in my head. Purely because it just seems too good to be real. It's all so, so perfect. This isn't gonna be a mahoosive cheesy blog, I just want to iterate how unfathomable some things in life can be.

I think we all underestimate everything. We complain about people, and think the worst of them. We're pessimistic and cynical and we tell ourselves that it will work out for everyone but not for yourself. And we blame ourselves, or other people, because we feel like we have to blame someone.

But what I've learnt whilst having this time to myself to think is that sometimes you have to stop, breathe, absorb everything you've got and really take the time to let it sink in. We have to go out of our way to appreciate and be grateful for everything and everyone in our lives, because otherwise we'll never truly and clearly see just how lucky we are.

HELLO LIFE. YOU ARE MINE.

2011-01-26T23:58:00.003Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

I know it's 26 (and 27 in one minute) days into January, but this is my first bloggy type blog. I've been mega busy! This means two things. The first thing it means is that I have been going out WAY TOO MUCH. And by TOO MUCH I mean THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH, BUT DEFINITELY A LOT. The second thing it means is that I have been VERY VERY productive :D And for this reason I am proud.

But right, here's something I want to talk about.

Ages and ages ago I applied for work experience at ITV. And by AGES ago I mean like nine months ago. And then SUDDENLY the other week I heard back from them and they were all "Oh, so why do you want work experience with us?" I was well surprised because not gonna lie, I'd pretty much forgotten I ever applied. So I emailed back telling them. I explained that I've done quite a fair bit of work experience already (relating to the stuff I did at Shed Media, a production company for all the main channels) and that I'm striving to do more etc etc because I eventually want to be a TV presenter and know that it's vitally important I understand the entire industry and not just onscreen etc etc and that I have passions outside of presenting and want to learn more about those/show off what I can do to ITV. Which I thought was quite good >.< But then I got an email back yesterday and they said that as they can't offer me any onscreen experience, I haven't got through to the next stage.

This REALLY narks me off.

I'm being REALISTIC about the career I want. And aside from that, I'm GENUINELY interested in so much more than JUST presenting. Why else would I put so much time and effort and love into the other things I do?! I told them this in my application. I would be more than happy if they gave me constructive (or at least valid) criticism for my application. But I really don't feel that the reason they gave me for being unsuccessful was acceptable.

BUT! I am not going to dwell on that, because I have been successful elsewhere in my never-ending quest for fuelling my obsession with the Media :D

As I'm sure everyone who's been reading my blog (or watching my vlogs or who knows me at all) knows, I am an aspiring TV presenter. But I'm not one of those girls who is like OMG I WELL WANNA BE ON TV and then just sits around hoping someone will approach her and say "Oh hey, wanna be on TV?" I'm (to quote my mummy) a GO GETTER. And I don't just mean I GO and GET food from the cupboard (not all the time at least). I mean that I feel like I want to chase my goals and interests, because they're not going to chase to me.

As much as the long term aim is TV presenter, I have many hobbies that I invest a lot of time into. The first is this, blogging. I've been blogging for YEARS. Four years on this blog and I think 3 years on an MSN Space that is now lost in the realms of the internet. I've always been interested in journalism, and this is the way I touch upon that. This semester in my Media course I'm doing a module called Intro into Journalism, because if I'm entirely honest, I know journalism is a career I would like to have at least for a while one day. And my journalism tutor (who I have only met once because our first lecture was last week and who is called Wayne) told me that my blog is not a piece of journalism unless it has an AUDIENCE. Which is a very good point. And I don't have a big audience so it's not journalism, but I know that blogging CAN be journalism so I really wanted to channel that into something more productive. So I put on my GO GETTING hat and I found a very cool company that gives work experience to young creative writey type people and I emailed them and they were like OH HI (plus some other words) and I've been asked to blog for a website! The website is actually so cool and so relevant to me, it's for young people who live in London. Of which I am one of! So I really think (hope, ohgod I so hope) I will be able to write something that they'll want to publish. And the best thing is that it's bloggy! Which is perfect for me, because I love writing blogs so much. So I'm very, very happy! And I'm also proud of myself, because it's 27 days into the first month of 2011 and I'm already being productive outside of my academic shizzle at university!

The SECOND awesome thing about this blogging that I'm doing for this website is that I get to take PHOTOS. I'm not even joking, I get to do PHOTOJOURNALISM. I'm somewhat OBSESSED with photography. I'm never without a camera. Ever. I'm never without at least 16gb of memory in said camera (and then a spare memory card usually too XD) Or cameras, I should say, as I own several. Point and shoot. DSLR. Camcorder. I'm obsessed. I want documentation of my life. I think that's why I'm so into vlogging, blogging, photography, filming and Tweeting. It all is a form of documentation and memory-making. I also love sharing experiences. I want to show and tell.

Which is why this blogging experience for the website is so perfect for me. I'm SO excited to get started. Feeling on top of the world if I'm honest. Proud of myself, optimistic, and still enthusiastic about how everything is panning out (:

So that's that. It's not even February yet and I'm off and away, full steam ahead. Determined as ever, and making the most of living (at last!) in one of the most famous, gorgeous, influential, inspirational and exciting cities in the world.

Some photos

2011-01-24T16:22:00.007Z

I took these photos in London on Wednesday January 17th with my Nikon D5000. These are some of my favourites that have been edited using picnik.com. Click to view full size.

Piccadilly Circus

Trafalgar Square

Newspapers

Duck in Chinatown

My evaluation of the year blog (:

2010-12-31T03:05:00.006Z

If you know me and my blogging tendencies you will know that at the end of every year since 2007 I have evaluated what I've done and what I've achieved. This year is no different! So what I'm going to do is paste my lists of aims and excitements for 2010 that I wrote at the end of 2010, and talk about them a little bit. Then I'll make a new list for next year! Here we go :D

AIMS FOR 2010
- Get 1200 subscribers on my YouTube account
I exceeded this by 52! Very pleased and proud (:
- Get into my first choice university
I so did XD
- Go to my first choice university
Yes! Not my initial first choice university mind you...but despite all the hoohars, I did it!
- Make amazing friends at my first choice university
Ohmygosh. At the time of writing this, by "amazing" I meant "Quite cool bearing in mind I will have only just met them." But alas, the people I've met are flat out AYMAYZING.
- Keep in touch with my old friends
So indescribably happy that I did this.
- See Donny and Marie in Las Vegas
Yes!!!! I can't believe that this actually happened!!!! It was so brilliant!
- Do well in my A2s
Bearing in mind everything that went on, I'm very proud of my A2 results.
- Get an iPhone
YESSS :D
- Learn how to use my Nikon D5000 properly
Yup! Obviously still learning, but I know everything that is important to know now!
- Learn how to use ovens
Who'd have thought it?! But YES!
- LOSE! WEIGHT!
No. But I completed my first semester of university without GAINING weight, so major win there! And I feel more comfortable about my body now too, which is an even bigger win.

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2010
- Spending the early hours of January 1st with awesome people.
It was a brilliant way to bring in 2010
- Young Americas
Again, totally amazing
- Ski Trip 2010
Amazing!!!
- Seeing Mika with Eliot :D
Great concert and a lovely 18th birthday pressie XD
- Going to the West Coast of the U S of A
Words. Cannot Describe. <3

- University
o;awkljsdgfnfs Better than I could have ever dreamed/hoped/imagined.
- HP & the DH film
YUCK. But that was to be expected I suppose -_-'
- The Hunger Games part 3
Could have been worse!

AIMS FOR 2011
- Get 1400 subscribers on my YouTube channel
- Get over my psychological issues with blue cheese
- Get over my psychological issues with raw fish
- Go to Yo Sushi after I have completed prior aim
- Get my tattoo done
- Get involved in the radio at my university
- Get the dermatillomania to fugoff
- Get at least a 2:1 in Media Arts and at least a 2:2 in Film and Popular Culture at the end of first year
- Still keep in touch with all my friends from home
- Go on some sort of holiday with friends
- Do lots of cooking/days out with Joe
- Vlog MUCH more regularly
- Get a wide angle or a fish eye lens for my camera
- Get a place with Simon, Simon, Lizzie and Hannah (unless Simon ends up going to Australia ofc)
- Turn 20 without having a nervous breakdown
- Buy something from the Abercrombie and Hollister store in Kingston XD
- Carry on learning to not be paranoid about what people think of me

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2011
- My Chemical Romance with Simon!
- Les Mis with the other Simon!
- Getting a place with friends when we have to move out of halls
- Another 5 months in halls :D
- Making even more new friends at university
- More of my Media course
- Everything really. I'm just so excited about everything to come!

So there we go. Another year over. It's true, every year is going faster than the last. I can't help but believe that this has been the best year of my life. I hated the first 8 months, but looking back now I realise that if the events of those months hadn't have happened I wouldn't be where I am now. I'd be at a different university studying a different subject. The last three months have been so perfect that I wouldn't want to change anything prior to them for worry of adverse knock-on effects.

The only portion of 2010 that I would willingly change is four days in August (I blogged about them at the time) in which I was at an all time low. I could have done without those. I feel a bit upset just remembering how awful it was at the time. But they can't be changed, so it's not worth thinking about. And it all got sorted out in the end (as it always seems to ^^) so in 2011 I really want to just forget that and move on from it entirely (:

For once, I'm entirely content to sit and accept this past year. Everything that happened. Good and bad. It all resulted in this. Which is perfect.

PS...It's mega weird to think that the next time I read this will probably be at the end of 2011. 365 days will have gone by and I will be reading it like OMFG IT'S GONE SO FAST! And I'll be TWENTY. Future Jocy, seriously, please don't mature. That would be your biggest and most boring mistake ever.

10: a post on what you believe about death

2010-12-27T00:07:00.002Z

Once you're dead you're dead.
That's the issue I have with some religious people I know; it's glaringly obvious that they're only religious because they're scared about what will happen after they die.
But I think that's it.

HOWEVER.

I do believe that when someone dies, there is left an imprint of the departed's soul. I don't think it's tangible, but I think that if that person had a big enough impact or influence on you, or on an area, or even the world, then the imprint on the earth can seem tangible. Maybe not tangible, but that it can really be there.

A thought or three.

2010-12-24T17:53:00.003Z

I genuinely think one of the WORST feelings in the WORLD is when you miss someone and know they don't miss you back.

But I think a really lovely feeling is knowing the people you miss also miss you.

Obviously missing people isn't a GOOD thing as such, but it's undeniably lovely knowing that someone whose presence you miss is also feeling the absence.

(':

The silver lining

2010-12-16T03:40:00.003Z

So here's what's going on in my life as of the last 24 hours.

Last night, I had a nightmare and woke up in a blind panic. In the nightmare I had submitted the wrong copy of my website and podcast (semester one Media project), the copy with the 3 html errors. This morning, I couldn't get the thought of it out of my brain, so I decided to double check the version I submitted. Lo and behold, it was the wrong copy, the one with the 3 html errors.

So to summarise: I had a nightmare about handing in the wrong Media work, and the nightmare reflected reality, because I had in fact handed in the wrong Media work.

So, despite it only being 3 minor errors (the html links still work, they just open in the same window as opposed to a new one), I decided straight away that tomorrow I would trek back to uni (around 2 hours and 3 trains) to fix them and hand in the new copy.

All day I have been beating myself up and huffing and puffing about the annoyance, stupidity, inconvenience.

Anyway, just now something occurred to me.

I must have so much passion for the subject if it LITERALLY kept me awake at night. For me to have that subconscious inkling, that knowing despite not technically knowing, I must REALLY love it.

I knew I loved it, same as I knew I would love it. But honestly, this happening has really made me realise how much I absolutely LOVE studying Media.

So I'm not seeing the trek back to university in the morning to fix this as a negative, I'm seeing it as a positive. Hard, evidential proof that I bloody love my subject.

More in depth blog on this, and my first semester, tomorrow.

09: a post on your biggest insecurity, and why you feel that way.

2010-12-16T00:04:00.002Z

I don't know what my biggest insecurity is.

I go through phases in which I think it's my body. And that I'm the fattest person in the world. And that I'm really ugly. And unphotogenic. And just generally hideously unattractive. But then most of the time I feel fine about my body; that yes, I could be thinner. But that I'm by no stretch of the imagination obese gigantic. That of course there's girls that are prettier than me, but that I could also look much, much worse.

Sometimes, I think my biggest insecurity is my personality. That I'm too loud and too annoying and too weird and too interested in silly things that people don't care about and that people are always talking about me and that no boy will ever fancy me. But most of the time I feel confident in my personality; that yes, I'm quirky and have different interests to lots of people, but that there's also many who think I'm a bit cool. To be honest I do actually feel...dare I say it...SECURE in my personality. I know that I don't go out of my way to upset people. I know that I enjoy making people laugh and helping my friends with their problems and I know that I make friends easily and I know that people like to be around me. Obviously, personality is a matter of taste, and there will be lots of people who don't like the sort of person I am, but I know I have lots of amazing friends who do.

So what's my biggest insecurity?

I suppose my biggest insecurity is the fact that my brain is temperamental. I worry constantly that the happiness I feel at the moment won't last. I'm not yet used to the carefree-ness I feel at the moment to entirely relax, because I always have the back at my mind that things might go back to how they once were.

08: a picture of yourself in your underwear.

2010-12-15T02:31:00.001Z

No. But here's a really pretty slush puppy that I had in April.

Today one of my best friends from university told me that I'm the nearest thing to a sister that he's ever had. It made me very smiley (:

2010-12-13T23:51:00.001Z

07: a post on what exactly you think love is.

2010-12-12T03:00:00.003Z

I think love is centered around the meaning of one word: unconditional.

I believe you truly love someone when your feelings for them are unconditional. They can mess up and upset you, and however pissed off and sad and fed up you feel, you still love them. You might not even want to love them, but you do. That's what I think love is. When nothing someone does is terrible enough to stop you from loving them. I believe the love stops when they do something that crosses the line into something that you just can't look past. Because then, your feelings for them aren't unconditional for them anymore because there's a condition.

I think this sort of love can be for family, friends or otherwise. You can have unconditional love for anyone.

I also think that love is to do with soul mates. And I don't believe that soul mates can only be romantic. A soul mate is when you find someone who is a part of you, and when you're not with them you can notice the gap. Best friends can be soul mates. That's also love.

06: something you couldn’t honestly live without, and why.

2010-12-11T03:51:00.002Z

I couldn't honestly live without my friends.
Big fat cliche?
Yes. But cliches wouldn't be cliches if lots of people didn't believe them to be true.

I always knew I was friend-centered. Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really close to my family. I'm lucky in the my parents are together and all my grandparents are around and I see everyone often. But I think that's why I'm so friend orientated. I never have to second thought that my family are there. I've never been one to get homesick, or to really miss my family when I'm away from home. I used to feel guilty about that, but since coming to university I have realised that it's because I know that they are always there, even when I don't see them every day. And I know that when I get home, things will go on as if I've never left.

With my friends, not being around them tears me up inside. That sounds SO over dramatic, but honestly, read my blogs from the end of the summer and you'll see how much lack of communication with two of my friends for a mere two weeks messed me up. I couldn't function properly, I wasn't eating or sleeping and I felt completely low. It sounds pathetic. Really pathetic. But I just need to know that my friends are there. I know it's paranoia (or at least, I used to think/hope it was only paranoia - now I do wonder) because of the worry that I'd get "replaced" or something stupid like that. Hence why I don't get that worked up about my family - I know they won't replace me.

But yeah, the reason I know I couldn't live without my friends is because of my sheer happy levels since coming to university. Living this close to so many friends has always been a dream of mine, especially as I always lived in a small town, only close to one or two of them. I need to be around people my own age to get the most out of myself, because I thrive off of the interaction. Plus, as much as I'd never have admitted it before uni, I get really, really lonely. I'm independent when it comes to making choices and doing what I want to do with my life, but I'm so, so dependent on my friends.

So yes. I couldn't live without my friends. They're amazing, the old and the new ones. One of my favourite things about university is that I've met people who I know I'll never have to ever live without. (:

05: a paragraph about your best friend(s).

2010-12-09T03:20:00.002Z

Best friend #1
We became best friends as soon as we started talking. And we got closer and closer and I thought we were inseparable. To be fair, we were inseparable for years. It's only the past 3 weeks that I've started to wonder. I love him to absolute pieces and I miss him every day. And every day I worry and worry that it's not mutual. And every day I feel guilty because I am coping despite having this worry. Before university, this worry would have sent me into a state of god knows what. The fact that I'm actually marginally okay that he hasn't texted back in weeks makes me feel terrible. I shouldn't be able to cope without him. But however well I'm coping without him, I love him more than I love the majority of people on this planet, and I so, so badly need to see him soon.

Best friend #2
This person, I do believe, is my oldest friend. We became close at the age of 14, and have remained close for the last 5 years also. I really feel our friendship is proven in the fact that despite living so far apart, we still have always made an effort to keep in contact. Out of all my best friends, it's with him that I've had the most turbulent ride, as on many aspects of life we don't have the same views, outlooks and morals. But I know that we always have and always will love each other to pieces. He knows me down to a T, and I have no doubt that he'll always be in my life.

Best friend #3
If it wasn't for this girl I have no idea where I would be today. Literally. It's thanks to her that I found the university course I'm on, thanks to her that I applied for it and thanks to her that I got accepted on to it. Honestly, she'll never know how much she saved me.

Best friend #4
It's strange that I'm considering someone I've known less than three months as a best friend. But she definitely is. I can tell her everything, and believe that it's mutual. We're like minded and can relate to one another, without being too alike that it gets annoying. I love her honesty, and how I know that if I ask her something I'm going to hear the truth, however harsh that may be. Everyone needs a best friend like that.

Best friend #5
Again, I've known her less than three months, but she's still most certainly one of my best friends. I have so much admiration for how she's so far from home, from her family and from her boyfriend, yet coping so well. I love how thoughtful she is and how she bought me tea and cake and a chocolate digestive when she heard I was upset. Few people make me laugh as much as she does, and I can't wait to live with her next year.

Best friend #6
I don't think I've ever become best friends with someone as fast as I did with this person. Honestly, after two minutes of knowing him, straight after he made a twisted joke about my religion, I knew we'd be close. We open up to each other so much, and I know the trust is mutual. He's perfect in that he can switch between outrageously immature and hilarious to the ideal person to have a deep chat with. I'm entirely positive that he's my friend for life.

Best friend #7
Every single day me and this person are amazed at how much we have in common. I love so, so much that he reads me like a book and knows how my head works. I don't have to explain things to him. "You can't bullshit a bullshitter", as he aptly puts it. From our music taste, to our academics, to our favourite foods, to our outlooks, we're incredibly similar. I really feel that meeting this person was fate, and that if we hadn't have met at university we would have met somewhere else across the line. I'm so glad we live close to each other back home as well as here.

Best friend #8
I have so much respect for this person. She's so hardworking and dedicated to her studies, yet she's hilarious and sociable and lovely. I wish I could achieve such a perfect balance as her. I love how she refuses to have regrets, and I love how openminded she is about religion, despite being religious herself. I love her a lot, and as mentioned before, hold a lot of respect for her.

4: a picture of you doing something random.

2010-12-03T03:51:00.002Z

This is me making a snow angel at about half midnight on Wednesday morning. We had been in Spoons all evening using up the vouchers as it was the last day they were valid, and when we left the snow had finally settled on campus ^^

03: a post owning up to something bad you’ve done.

2010-12-03T03:46:00.001Z

I went to see Britney Spears in concert.

*hangs head in shame*

02: a post of 20 things you find attractive on the opposite sex.

2010-11-29T03:15:00.003Z

1. Good sense of humour
2. Intelligence
3. Spontaneity
4. Protectiveness
5. The balance between mature and immature, and the ability to switch between the two when need be
6. Similar (at least) music taste to me
7. Trustworthy
8. Kind
9. Ambition
10. Appreciation of the little things in life (views from bridges at night, going to the seaside, etc)
11. Tolerance of my taste in films
12. Good taste in shoes
13. Loyalty
14. Texting me lots/making a general effort
15. Knowing about my favourite things
16. Flow-y conversation
17. Encouraging but realistic
18. Hilarious
19. Good listener
20. Doesn't take life too seriously, but takes it seriously enough

01: a post of 10 of things you love, and 10 things you hate.

2010-11-29T03:05:00.002Z

Love:
1. University
2. Travelling the world
3. Ice cream
4. Laughing till my tummy hurts
5. Best friends
6. Foreign food, particularly Mediterranean, Indian, Chinese and Mexican
7. Taking photos
8. YouTube
9. Harry Potter
10. Cherry Carmex

Hate:
1. Attention seekers
2. Celery
3. Writing in pencil
4. Missing people
5. Dull weather
6. Lies
7. Bad news
8. Chipped nail varnish
9. Narrow mindedness
10. Failed plans

This is what I'm going to do.

2010-11-29T03:04:00.001Z

So I saw people posting these on Tumblr so naturally I didn't want to do it on Tumblr, I wanted to do it on Blogspot instead. So this is what I am going to do!

01: a post of 10 of things you love, and 10 things you hate.

02: a post of 20 things you find attractive on the opposite sex.

03: a post owning up to something bad you’ve done.

04: a picture of you doing something random.

05: a paragraph about your best friend(s).

06: something you couldn’t honestly live without, and why.

07: a post on what exactly you think love is.

08: a picture of yourself in your underwear.

09: a post on your biggest insecurity, and why you feel that way.

10: a post on what you believe about death

To be continued...

So I just saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt 1...

2010-11-20T23:57:00.003Z

Spoiler warning is warning you.

This is not a review and it is probably not going to be massively coherent or eloquent.

They missed out too much. I'm sorry, but some of the stuff that was missed out was just SO important, maybe not to the plot progression or actual storyline itself, but DEFINITELY to the characters and their personalities and interactions. Seriously. I'm actually fuming. Here is some things that have been missed out that I am really, really angry about:

- Harry's goodbyes to the Dursley's at the beginning. In the book, we really see Dudley in a better light. This begins when we find out that there is a cup of cold tea outside Harry's door. Harry initially thinks that it's a prank from Dudley, but when his cousin shakes his hand and wishes him luck when he says goodbye, we find that Dudley is not as much of a dick as we have thought. This is SO important, because a MAJOR theme in the Harry Potter is love and friendship, and I feel these gestures from Dudley display both of these themes in a less traditional and obvious way. The film missing them out is just criminal in my opinion.

- Erm, hello, HEDWIG DIED. In the film this goes COMPLETELY unmentioned. Oh, I'm sorry, Harry says at one point, "It was Hedwig, she was trying to protect me." But this was AFTER she was KILLED. That owl has been a MOTIF for trust and reliability and love since the very first day in the magical world. But the film literally just showed her be killed. And that is it. I don't think I need to say any more about this. I'm very upset that this wasn't considered important by the filmmakers.

- Moody's death being BARELY acknowledged. In the book they drink Firewhisky to his name, because that's what he'd have wanted them to do. In the film, I think his death was mentioned in passing like twice. But come on, he's a MAJOR character. You can't just do NOTHING when a major character dies. Seriously.

- Grimmauld Place. If I remember correctly (which I do.) in Sirius' room Ron and Harry and Hermione are meant to find lots of important things, including half a letter from Lily to Sirius (the one thanking him for the toy broom with a photo of Harry riding it included). This is used to piece together things about the story later on in the book. No mention of it whatsoever. Additionally, when they enter the house there are meant to be loads of anti-intruder jinxes on various parts of the hallway. They KIND OF captured the essence of this with the hologrammy think of Dumbledore, but not really. That could have been a really good way of genuinely making the film worthy of its 12A rating. Although I'm guessing they missed it out because the suspense and impact would have just been too scary. However, I was looking forward to seeing how that bit was done, but to no avail because it was pretty much entirely missed out.

- Luna's ceiling. In the book, when visiting Xenophilius Lovegood's house for information about the Deathly Hallows, they go upstairs to Luna's room and see that she has painted an enormous mural of the Dumbledore's Army crew on her ceiling and the word "Friends" is repeated over and over, in the form of a rope tying them all together. This, for me anyway, is the bit when we get a REAL sense of the group as a unit, and is a reminder that even though only the trio are there, everyone else is with them too. It also makes it all the more meaningful when they rescue Luna from the cellar at Malfoy's house. Missing this out took away from all of that, not to mention completely depleted the level of tragedy we feel when Xenophilius says that Luna has been taken.

- Ron's panic when Hermione is getting tortured. There were a few good things about this scene, but the one bit I was REALLY hoping they'd keep in was when (as described in the book) Ron is listening to Hermione's screaming and he goes hysterical, banging against the cellar walls and screaming her name. They missed this out. The only reaction we got from him was that they had to save her, or something equally nothingy. I really wanted to see Ron's sheer terror, because I think this would have played up his love for her.

- Harry carving Dobby's plaque. Okay, fair enough, we saw Harry dig Dobby's grave by hand. I won't bang on about how TERRIBLE Dan's acting was at this point, because that is for a bit later. But it is SO intense to read the bit when Harry carves "Here lies Dobby, a Free Elf". It is the ULTIMATE mark of respect. And the bit when they all go round and say a few words about Dobby, including Luna. But no, despite the fact that Dobby saved Luna too, we don't even get to see her pay her final respects with Ron and Harry and Hermione. To me, that just makes no sense and COMPLETELY goes against Luna's personality.

Okay, so those are the main bits that I felt being missed out REALLY took away from major things in the book. But my qualms don't stop there. Oh no. Here are some MORE things that annoyed me about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt 1:

1. Jason Isaac's acting at the beginning. The scene at the table when Voldemort takes Lucius' wand. He just acted it SO feebly. It wasn't stuttery in an "I'm pooping my pants" way. It was stuttery in a "I really can't be arsed with this scene" way. It seemed SO forced and amateur to me. I'm not an expert. I just thought that bit was crap.

2. The casting of Xenophilius Lovegood. I don't know who the guy who plays him is. But he was not how I imagined him at ALL. I wanted him to be eccentric and jolly and mad. This man was just a bit bizarre, but in a bland way. I think he was rubbish.

3. The fact that George didn't even lose his ear. Yes, they made the "holy/holey" joke. But his ear was still there. So it didn't make any sense. That's just bloody stupid. Why would they even change that? What the hell is the point? How hard would it have been to just FOLLOW THE BOOK FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES?

4. Emma Watson's acting. In the Half Blood Prince, I finally thought she acted as Hermione. Alas, it all went out the window in this film. Out came her eyebrows again. She just didn't put any OOMPH into any of her lines. The one when I noticed it the most was when Ron returned. In the book she literally attacks him and if I remember rightly when she says "YOU ABSOLUTE ARSE!" it is CAPITALISED. This denotes SHOUTING. ANGER. PASSION. In the film she just half-heartedly tapped him with his backpack (which she very gently took off of him) and then said in a slightly raised voice that he was an arse. Pathetic.

Now, don't get me wrong, there were some bits I really liked in the film. Here they are:

- Hermione Obliviating her parents. I admit it, I cried. It was extremely touching. I loved the way they got photos of Emma when she was a baby and erased her from them when she cast the spell. It was beautiful.

- Harry and Hermione dancing together in the tent. I found this absolutely adorable, I thought it was a brilliant symbolisation of how much they love eachother and look after one another. It was hilarious and adorable and Dan really shone. I also liked how at the end of their little "moment" Hermione looks straight at Harry and you just get the sense of her thinking "But he isn't Ron" and then she turned away. It was really well pulled off. (However I would have preferred that they gave this a miss and actually put something in that Jo herself actually wrote in the book the film was based on. Just sayin'.)

- The torture scene with Hermione and Bellatrix. Okay, granted, it wasn't EXACTLY as described in the book. And they did miss the bit out that I mentioned before. But I think this was one scene in which Emma acted AMAZINGLY. I know she only had about 5 seconds of speech (she says that she didn't steal the sword from anyone and then she just screams) but I really FELT like she was terrified. Really convincing acting, and her screaming set my teeth on edge and gave me goosebumps.

- The scenery during the Prolonged Camping Trip. It was stunning. 'Nuff said.

- Bathilda Bagshot's house, and when she transforms into Nagini. Aside from this scene being a tad too short in my opinion, it was exactly how I imagined it from the description in the book.

Thoughts gathered:
I didn't like the film very much. But saying that, I don't think I've liked ANY of the films on first viewing. I always see them twice, and second time round I try to not watch the critically. So as of right now, I'm unimpressed and disappointed. And to quote my friend Tasha who summed up my feelings perfectly, I feel "robbed". When the film finished I didn't feel like I'd seen the first half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I felt like it had been a huge anti-climax. Saying that, I can pinpoint bits that I did like. And emotionally, a few bits got me. Overall, I think it was probably a classic book to film scenario; as a film it might have been okay, but as a film adaptation of a book it was poor. And my loyalty will ALWAYS be with the books. So I find the films somewhat difficult. I hope that when I watch it for a second time I can properly detach it from the book and enjoy it for what it is, because I think then I might enjoy it.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

2010-11-16T13:31:00.002Z

I'm in a horrendously boring lecture. It's for Film and Popular Culture and we are being shown an extract of some film from Asia (not sure which part) but it's subtitled and I'm sitting right at the back and can't see the subtitles. So, blog! :D

Uni is still going insanely well (aside from this subject but what can do xD) and I have made the best friends everrrrrr.

For example I am currently sitting between the two Simons (yes there are two
Simons and we are all friends, confusing? Sometimes). In fact in case either of them is reading this over my shoulder then HELLO :D

But yes, everything is somewhat wonderful. I don't feel like I've only known everyone for LESS THAN TWO MONTHS. It seems like yeeeears, but I suppose that's because we spend all day most days together. I love that though.
Ever since I was 5 and read The Naughtiest Girl In The School
I always wanted to go to boarding school. And then what with Hogwarts and stuff I just ALWAYS thought it would be amazing. And now it feels like I'm at boarding school! Our halls are catered so we all go for meals together and it's actually like being in an Enid Blyton book xD

I know I said it in my last post, but university is like, a billion times better than I thought/dared to hope it would be. I've been here nearly two months now and no disappointment has set in whatsoever. The main thing I wanted to do was to come here and meet amazing people that I will be friends with for life. The other thing I wanted to do was to study Media at last and for all the UCAS stress and wasted time at Drama auditions to seem worth it. I'm doing both of these things.

The last 7 and a half weeks have been the best of my life. I get to spend all day every day with the best people ever. I get to have late nights and late mornings. I get to be independent. I get to go out when I want, where I want. I am having the time of my life.

Pinch me.

2010-09-28T01:57:00.002+01:00

I'M AT UNIVERSITY.

Ohgod. Just writing that makes me freak out. It's just...I've said it so much over the past week...SURREAL. It's just surreal. Things like this DO NOT HAPPEN. Well they do, but you just don't think they ever will. I'm not explaining myself properly. What I mean is, that I always KNEW I'd go to university. I always knew one day the day would come when I had got into a university and I would be going to it. But, that day always seemed in the unforeseeable future. The summer was endless. I would spend the summer getting ready for university. At the end of that summer, I would go to university. But that summer was endless so what did after summer matter?

But alas, here I am at university. I have been here for nine days now. I have had the absolute, categorical time of my life. I waited for this for so, so long. I really did not like sixth form. University was the light at the end of the tunnel. And now I'm here. In the run up to university (I have said this many times on this blog) I didn't feel at all nervous; just absolutely, ridiculously excited. This scared me for two reasons. I took for granted that because I wasn't nervous in the build up, I would completely freak out when I did get here at last. I also took for granted that because I was so excited, it would be a letdown and a disappointment.

Neither of these things came to light. I have not had a freak out yet, and so far it has been everything I hoped plus a billion times more.

As someone who doesn't really drink and isn't a massive partier, I was very worried about that side of university life. I didn't want to be the only one not doing those things, nor did I want to get roped into stuff I didn't feel comfortable with. As it happens, I have met the most incredible group of people who are absolutely like-minded to me. I cruised through sixth form without a solid, definitive friendship group, and as much as I pretended it didn't bother me, I hated it. Within a day of being at university I had slotted perfectly into a group of people. We all (bar a couple, who come and visit all the time) live in the same halls, and we spend the majority of our waking hours together. We have only known eachother for just over a week, but because we've been in such close quarters, we've become close unbelievably fast. It's what I've needed for so, so long. I feel on top of the world, my self-confidence is the highest it's been in years and I'm surrounded by some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I thought people were exaggerating a bit when they told me that I would meet my friends of life at university, but I can already see that this is true.

It all hits me when I think about our living conditions; we're in halls of residence, which is basically on-campus accommodation. In my halls we have our own rooms with an en-suite and then there's kitchens dotted around that we share. I realised yesterday that we have lived without any adult input for over a week. This may sound trivial, but for people who have left home for the first time, it is a massive deal! Yet we haven't even significantly noticed this, because of how we've settled in. I feel completely at home here. I adore how I have my friends constantly a few meters at most away from me. It's amazing. For example, at 1 this morning (It's about 2am now) I wrote my friend Michael, who lives in the room opposite me, a note and put it under his door. We communicated this way for half an hour, not actually seeing eachother, just posting letters under our door. His room is a meter from mine. It's so, so brilliant. What I find incredible is that some universities put you in your rooms based on the personalities of the other people, by getting prospective students to fill out questionnaires about themselves beforehand. They didn't do that at my uni. However, if they had done, they couldn't have matched us any better. Michael and me are both huge Shakespeare and Doctor Who fans. Me, Lizzie, Kat, Sarah and Kelly adore musical theatre. Me and Mike have the same music taste. And that's just the tip of the iceberg; I have not argued with one person. Obviously as humans we're not destined to get on amazingly with everyone we meet, but bearing in mind how much we've all seen of eachother over the past 9 days, it's unbelievably how well we're getting on.

And that's before I even get started on my course. I am a MEDIA ARTS STUDENT. I've wanted to study media for so, so long. I've been directly contributing to the media through my vlogging for three and a half years, and to actually be STUDYING this as an ART FORM is like, my dream. Making a career path out of a hobby that has become basically my life and who I am. So far I have had one lecture and one workshop in a Mac suite. In both of these situations I was in my element. I know this is what I'm meant to be doing. It really terrifies me how horribly close I was to studying Drama for another three years. I do actually miss drama a lot, and will definitely be joining the Drama Society here, but I know that doing it for my degree would have been the wrong choice. I went through a lot to get my place on this course; I had to beg and convince my parents that I was serious about it, then do the same with my teachers, then I had to pull out university applications past the official deadline and then I had to reapply, again past the official deadline. And finally, here I am. I'll never take this for granted.

I think that more or less concludes my blog. I just want to make the most of every second here. I'm living in London, something I've always wanted to do, studying what I've always wanted to study, living with the kind of people I've always wanted to live with. I am absorbing and enjoying everything that is thrown at me, and I am ecstatic that I have only been here for one week.

THREE MORE YEARS TO GO. (:

Does anyone have any light to shed on this?

2010-09-15T05:41:00.001+01:00

A memory from June just randomly popped into my head out of nowhere which I totally forgot about straight after it happened. Which isn't that surprising because straight after it happened me and my friends lost two of our group and then missed the last train and had to spend £50 on a cab...but I digress (I'M A LEADING MAN AND THE LIES I WEAVE ARE OH SO INTO CATS DOO DOO DOOO DOO shutup brain).

Anyway.

This is the memory.

It was after the Green Day concert and me and Sam and Megg were waiting outside Wembley Stadium for the other two in our group. Whilst this was going on a girl was standing near us looking panicked, she was probably about our age. I asked her if she was alright and she said that she had got split up from her group and her phone was out of battery and she had no way of contacting them. So straight away I offered her my phone and told her to ring them and I said that we wouldn't leave her standing there by herself. She looked GENUINELY shocked at this, and so so grateful. At the time I thought nothing of it because in all honesty it would never cross my mind to act any way differently to that in that situation. And now I'm thinking about it it's actually quite interesting. The reason I did what I did and said what I said was because I know for a fact if I was surrounded by 20,000 people who I didn't know at 11pm in London with no means of contacting anyone that I did no, I would be terrified. I would have wandered round for ages in the hope someone asked me if I was alright and offered to lend me their phone. I'd have probably eventually mustered the courage to ask someone if I could borrow a phone if no one offered it to me first, but I would probably be crying my eyes out and in an absolute state of panic by this point. So obviously when I saw someone in this situation I wanted to make sure they were okay and not scared or at risk.

She was an absolute stranger. Was I too trusting? I handed her my phone. I didn't even think twice about it. I knew nothing whatsoever about her, she could have run off with it for all I knew. Is it strange that I was protective of a completely random human?

I don't think it was really. I can relate to her situation because I go to concerts a lot and I don't like being by myself in crowded places and when I don't have access to my phone I feel like the worst case scenario WILL always happen.

But now that I'm properly thinking it through I can't help but wonder if I am being incredibly naive to not even second-think doing something like letting a stranger use my phone in amongst a crowd of 20,000 people.

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Thoughts, gathered.

2010-09-15T01:10:00.002+01:00

I suddenly got a compelling urge to write a blog. It occurred to me all of a sudden that what I'm going through right now is SUCH a once in a lifetime, and I then began feeling quite panicked about having a record of how it all was for me. Blog today, vlog tomorrow. If that's not a life motto I don't know what is.

In four days' time, I will be moving to university. In London. For starters, I find this alone incredulous. I don't know if I used incredulous in the right context there, I didn't want to say incredible so I thought that was a good alternative but now I'm not so sure. I digress. But yeah, ME moving to LONDON. That's crazy. I've wanted to live in London since I was fourteen. I know this because that's when I started blogging, and when I read the blogs I see that I filled in literally hundreds of those survey things, and every time I was asked where I would live if I could choose anywhere, I said London. So naturally, I assumed it would never happen. But alas, on Sunday I'm moving to London. But it's even better than the London I was referring to back then; back then I just naturally figured that in the unlikely event that I ever DID move to London then it would be to a penthouse apartment on top of CyberCandy in Covent Garden, surrounded by pollution and tourists and traffic. But no. I am moving to one of the nicest areas in all of London. I will be five minutes away from what I believe is the most expensive and poshest London borough, in which there is acres of beautiful parks and fields, yet I will be half an hour from the centre of London where the much-beloved hustle and bustle is. Best of both worlds? Hells to the yes it is.

Next thing: Estelle. Estelle is one of my best friends. We have only been friends for around two years (maybe even less), but we clicked straight away, as we are both quite mad. My first memory of Estelle is of us taking photos on my new MacBook in the study room at school when we were meant to be silently working. My next memory of Estelle is of us doing Bollywood dancing to the Bangra music from Slumdog Millionaire in the common room at lunchtime. We're going to university together XD I'm so, so happy. We literally always find something to laugh about, and there is no one else from school I'd rather be going to uni with. What makes it better is that we're in the same halls, she's living two floors above me :D She keeps me quite grounded; I have a tendency to somewhat KICK OFF, and I know she'll tell me to shut the hell up.

DING DING, next round. MY COURSE. I don't need to go on again about what an absolute hoohar/faff/kerfuffle I had to endure just to get to the point of having a place on a Media course. Short and short, in case you don't know and happen to care, is that I had 5 offers at 5 top universities to study Drama, and then I changed my mind about Drama but my parents weren't so sure and it took me five months to muster the guts to be like HELLZ TO THE NO I WILL NOT DO DRAMA and then I had to pull out my applications even though the deadline had passed etc etc...BUT ALAS. I'm doing a Media Arts course :D It's like my dream course. I feel like it's The Next Step to getting me to where I want to be. I, according to Mother Dearest, am a go-getter. I went out and got two jobs by myself. I got voluntary work by myself. I got work experience by myself. No one had to nag me, no one had to tell me to do it, I just wanted to do these things really badly and did them. I want REALLY BADLY to do amazingly at my course, and I really hope I can do this. I want to carry on GOING and GETTING what I want. I don't want to be the person who sits around saying "Ohhh I wish I could be a TV presenter one day!" I want to tell people that one day I'll be a TV presenter, and then actually go and do it. I know it's not something you can walk straight into. This is why I chose my course; I feel like on top of the various things I've already done, this is The Next Step to getting to the TV presenting; going to uni, getting a degree, refining my work ethic, upping my experience of both the industry and of life, and then GOING AND GETTING MORE STUFF. I can't wait.

2010-09-10T03:13:00.002+01:00

Can't even begin to think of how I'm going to articulate this.

Something pretty rubbish has been ongoing throughout my summer and it didn't really hit me quite how crap it was until yesterday and then I went into meltdown and Jocy = wreck.

So there I am today, a complete and utter mess at 2am wondering how on earth I was going to DO the next few days as a successful human.

And then just as I need him most Joe come online and helps me sort everything out and rescues me from all the poop.

So what I'm trying to say is that I have a friend who bail me out of crappy situations and helps sort out my problems, even at two o' clock in the morning. For this I am an extremely lucky person.

xx

2010-09-06T01:54:00.002+01:00

I'm having an identity crisis. This blog is about how I know this, and will explain past events that I can use as indicators.

When I was 14 I first dyed my hair. Wash in wash out black. I was finally into rock music and wanted to reflect this in my clothes, makeup and hair. I took pride in the fact that for the first time in my life I fit into a category. Obviously I bitched and whinged about the labels (I had to, we had to fight the system you see) but who was I kidding? I loved it.

Over the next two years I tried out so many different hair dyes. Black, dark brown, red, purple, pink, blue. I had now discovered punk. This hair showed that, so that people could instantly tell as soon as they met me that that was the scene I was into.
I was instantly, accurately judgeable. Again, we "hated" it, but I'm sure we fooled no one. It was the best thing ever.

As I approached 17 I lost myself a bit. My group of friends kind of dissolved and I didn't slot into a category anymore.
How could I have a place in an entire subculture if
I couldn't even have a place in a group of school friends? The hair dye stopped, because I didn't have a side of my personality to reflect anymore; for three months, I was hollow.

Three months after I turned 17, I started re-establishing myself. My confidence was back and better than ever, I had a group of people I was a part of and I wanted people to know this. Bam, permanent red hair dye. People associated it with me, and I loved it.

For 16 months I tried to make the red brighter and brighter, as red as possible. But now I'm approaching 19, and I don't feel that the red hair should be mine anymore. I'm not really sure why, hence the identity crisis. I don't think I want to spend the next however long as the one with red hair. I don't want my hair to make my personality judgeable anymore. That was perfect when I was 15 and needed instant acceptance and recognition for who I was. Now, I want to have more to show for myself.

Tomorrow there's going to be a huge hair change. I want something less overt than this bright, unnatural red. But I want it to show my personality at a glance. Trip to get hair dye in the morning. Till then, hair suggestions would be hugely welcomed!

So I'm like TOTALLY moving out in less than two weeks. That's not what I want to talk about though.

2010-09-05T01:55:00.002+01:00

It's really strange. I am SO excited about university and living in London and not living at home and being able to do my own thing without mother and father telling me it's bedtime. And I'm SO excited about studying the subject I know my passion lies in and learning about it and doing homework and hopefully getting really good grades. However, I'm absolutely pooping myself about freshers' week and going out and constant partying and clubbing.

Which is the absolute REVERSE to literally every other of my friends that I have talked to about this. THEY'RE all scared about living alone and finding the work difficult and they're living for the student lifestyle.

I have always known since I was five and got laughed at because I refused to play kiss chase because I refused to kiss the boys that I don't have the same outlook on life as a lot of other girls. I knew from a really young age that I wouldn't have boyfriends throughout secondary school and that I would never wear loads of makeup (nearly 19 and never worn foundation in my life). But I didn't think I'd get to university age and not want to embrace the entire university lifestyle.

Sometimes I see it as a negative thing. I genuinely do see people's points when they tell me that I will miss out on the experience and find it harder to make friends if I don't immerse myself into everything that goes on, at least initially. Fact of the matter is I know that at this UV foam party I'm attending (if I muster the courage) in 16 days time I will really be completely out of my depth. I'll feel paranoid and conscious the whole time, and even if I'm there I will miss out on the experience and find it hard to make friends. I can make friends easier than most if I'm in an environment I'm comfy with; chuck me into a YouTube gathering, put me in a theatre production and I'll come out with friends for life, but put me in a crowded, music-filled room full of people exactly like me except drunk and confident and I will dissolve.

Other times I see it as a positive thing. I don't drink very much at all (to me, going out for a "couple of drinks" is literally that. And then I stop.) which means at university I will be saving about £30 a week compared to others. I don't want to be out at parties till the early hours every night, which I'm hoping and assuming will reflect positively in my standard of work. I will not get with random guys in situations such as these, which I really see as nothing but a good thing despite what other girls may think.

But most of all I just see these as a Jocy thing. Trust JOCY to be thrilled about fending for herself and getting down to some really challenging work and to be freaking out about going to lots of parties. That's just what I'm like. I still LOVE going out, I'll definitely immerse myself in what's going on as much as possible. I'll have a drink or two with my friends, I'll dance with them at parties and I'll never, ever look down upon people who want to take their own student experiences further than that. But I suppose I am just One Of Those People who wants to get my head down and do what I need to do. Which is get to where I want to be.

2010-08-27T00:35:00.002+01:00

Hellew.

I'm in Joe's bed. This makes me feel guilty because when he stays over at mine he has to do sleeps on the floor. But I'm doing sleeps at his and he gives me an entire BED.

I've had SUCH a good evening (': Me and Joe and Ross squidged onto the sofa and we watched Love Actually and we bitched the whole way through it about how life will never be like that and how it's all a massive sham xD It was really really funny.

I've had a bit of an UNSTABLE fortnight and now I'm laying here just like YAY because I feel sooooo much better about EVERYTHING now.

Really really mega good mood and I feel like a lucky human right now.

PS
-Vicar voloceraptus
-Love Actually finishes:
Ross, "Love is like a cancer."
Joe, "Who wants to kill themselves first?"
Jocy, "Death."

<3

Hello. I own half a face at least.

2010-08-24T06:52:00.001+01:00

All of the wasted time, the hours that were left behind, the answers that we'll never find, they don't mean a thing tonight.

2010-08-24T00:15:00.003+01:00

I'm so glad last week is over XD

It's only been this week for just over a day but it's already such a good week ^^

i'm so RELIEVED that all the disarray of everything is finished and things are back to how I love them most (:

So excited about Thursday to see Joe for the first time in over a month ^^ We're going to make quadruple chocolate chip cookies with milk, white, dark and peanut butter chocolate chips. And we're going to find our holiday to Paris (((((((((((:

Welcome back summer, I missed you <3

(':

2010-08-19T00:49:00.003+01:00

I've got that thing when the the bad stuff going on translates into physical pain in my stomach and head.

)X

It isn't nice not being able to cope without someone when they can cope just fine without you ):

Just want this messed up stage to be over and things to go back to normal >.< I hate it.

2010-08-17T20:08:00.001+01:00

It's extremely difficult to keep a sane and sensible head on your shoulders when the things that usually keep your head up there decide to bugger off -_-

2010-08-16T13:12:00.002+01:00

Hello. I'm Jocy and I post blogs in Pret A Manger.

I'm having a mental breakdown. I need to cry really badly but I'm in Pret A Manger and I'm wearing mascara and I have to go back to my work experience placement in half an hour.

My brain is falling apart. I'm exhausted due to jetlag and insomnia, I can barely eat and haven't consumed a normal day's calories in over a week.

I'm just gonna say outright what's up. Hardly anyone reads this anyway.

My best friend of 5 years doesn't care anymore. This is note being emo and paranoid, this is what I know. He's too cool for me now and because I won't get drunk and stoned with him, I'm not worth his time. I'm sure one day if I ever forget how amazing our 5 years as best friends were then I'll be able to believe it's his loss. But at the moment, it's not. He's surrounded by a group of people, going out, doing his thing. I do all this but at the back of my mind I have the knowledge that he doesn't care about me anymore. I'll forget for a bit and everything will be hunky dory, and then I'll remember. Try living with that. I don't feel bad putting this on the Internet; I tried to talk to him about it several times and he has made it more than clear he doesn't want to know. So I will talk about it here instead. Taylor Swift writes songs about people that treat her badly, I write blogs. Fair play in my opinion.

On top of that, I miss my uber best friend like hell. I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. I haven't spoken to him properly in 5 days. I'm probably reacting worse to this than the normal person should, but there we go. It's making me feel quite depressed. I don't know if he knows. He'd rightly tell me to shush and pull myself together. I hope I see him soon.

These things clearly demonstrate that I am a very dependent person. If I don't have my friends constantly there, I don't function properly. My mind foes stupid horrible things and I convince myself that they don't care anymore and are annoyed by me and don't want to be friends with me anymore. In the first case this turned out to be disgustingly true. It really is one of my worst mightmares come true. What mKes it worse is that he knows this yet still won't talk to me.

Jocy is not a happy Jocy.

>.>

2010-07-28T04:01:00.000+01:00

I'm going on holiday in 7 hours.

Just got off of MSN with Joe, it's 4am. We talked non-stop for 6 hours. Going to miss him so much and the goodbye was not fun.

But once I'm on my way to the airport excitement will set in and it will be fine.

Am sure I'll blog whilst I'm away!

Sorry anyone who was expecting/looking forward to my Q&A vlog that I promised for yesterday. Ran out of time ):

Hope everyone has a brilliant couple of weeks xx

Some things.

2010-07-26T00:22:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow I am going house hunting.

I kind of feel like tomorrow is the start of not being the Jocy I always have been, because Jocys who wear Busted pyjamas and watch Pokemon and eat cold baked bean sarnies are not mature enough to house hunt, but now I have to be mature enough to house hunt.

I feel like I have to let the past 18 years rest in peace and now suddenly act my age and not my shoe size (which let's be honest, is still fairly big, but not as big as 18).

Anyways, speaking of being amazingly GROWN UP. This weekend I stayed at Ross' and so did Joe and it was very much awesome. On Saturday afternoon we sat in the park and Ross fell out a tree on purpose and then we went to Sainsbury's and bought Ben and Jerry's and then Ross made his SPECIAL PASTA (al dente) and we were CIVILISED and sat at the TABLE and used CUTLERY. And then we put on Mean Girls and the sofas were pushed right up close to the TV and we watched Mean Girls whilst eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's each. But I was the only one who finished mine because I am a Dragon Slut. And then we played Rock Band at midnight and I did singing (very badly) and I sang to Nine in the Afternoon by Panic! At The Disco and I made sure my notes were perfect and I did this by mooing like a COW every time I had to do the "Your eyes are the size of the MOOOOOOON" bit. It was fun. And then we went to bed and then on Sunday morning we sat in our pyjamas for a long time and played more Rock Band and then me and Joe went to London and then we came home and that was my weekend. It was a very nice weekend. It was awesome to see Ross because I hadn't seen him in ages and HIDEOUSLY I actually missed him :@ And then after London I had to say bye to Joe and we will not see each other in three weeks now which is very sad because that will be the longest we have gone literally in years not seeing each other.

But overall, it was a really awesome weekend and a very good way to spend my last weekend in England before I go to LA on Wednesday (:

Yay (:

2010-07-24T22:18:00.001+01:00

About to sit down to Mean Girls and a tub of Ben and Jerry's each with Joe and Ross :D

They are my best mans.

2010-07-23T00:34:00.002+01:00

Oh it is so STRANGE.

I spent most of my day today HOUSE HUNTING. As in, HUNTING FOR A HOUSE. A house to LIVE IN. Without my PARENTS. In SEPTEMBER.

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(':

2010-07-19T00:18:00.003+01:00

Had a very nice day shopping in London with Estelle today :D
I bought:

The purse is from Octopus in Neal Street and the shoes are from Topshop in Oxford Street.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow (well, later today) because in the morning me and my mum are going shopping for last minute holiday bits and in the afternoon Joe is coming over and we are going to sunbathe and have a sleepover. Which means it's a given that Tuesday will also be laaavely. On Thursday I'm gatecrashing Joe's band's acoustic rehearsal and photoshoot for their flyers (I know right!!! :D) in London and then on Saturday me and Joe and Ross are going to see Toy Story 3.

And I just realised that now I can officially say "Next week I will be in California." So...NEXT WEEK I WILL BE IN CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's only now that I'm realising how much school sucked the life out of me!

I just got the itinerary for my holiday!!!

2010-07-17T22:57:00.003+01:00

Day 1 - arrive in LA

Day 2 - morning in Hollywood. Afternoon in Universal Studios

Day 3 - free day in LA

Day 4 - San Diego

Day 5 - Palm Springs

Day 6 - Flagstaff, Arizona

Day 7 - Grand Canyon

Day 8 - Las Vegas

Day 9 - Las Vegas

Day 10 - Calico Ghost Town

Day 11 - Yosemite

Day 12 - San Francisco

Day 13 - San Francisco

Day 14 - San Francisco

I'm not really one for countdowns anymore, but... ELEVEN DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had Nando's tonight.

2010-07-17T00:46:00.003+01:00

I haven't socialised in 7 days and I'm feeling the effects really badly.

I'm in a bad mood, I can't remember the last time I laughed till my stomach hurt and I'm losing the motivation to eat healthily.

I'm craving the sorts of days out when you don't bother looking at the time all day, when you don't have to do anything in particular, when everything is hilarious because you're with hilarious people.

I'm proud of myself for being so disciplined with the amount of overtime I've done this week, but I'm unsure if it's been worth it because I just feel so crap -_- As Joe put it, I "haven't been alive this week".

On a brighter note, had dinner today with my friend Frank (my brother's girlfriend's 12 year old brother :D) and we have planned a vlog that we are making together :D So I am very much looking forward to that!

2010-07-12T23:47:00.002+01:00

I have the innate ability of being able to unintentionally alienate myself from everyone I cross paths with.

When I was younger I was terrible at first impressions. I wanted to seem cool and quirky, so I acted like a complete twat and people instantly hated me. Actually no, hate is too strong a word because to be hated you have to actually initiate a strong reaction from someone. I wouldn't flatter myself but saying I did that. I was one of those typical irritating little girls who thought they were so "random" because they wore odd socks and had a side fringe. The only people that I didn't alienate myself from were those the same as me. So miraculously, I ended up with quite a big group of friends.

Over the years this group depleted. It would be stupid for me to go about pointing fingers and blaming people, because I'm past everything that happened. But instead of viewing it as a negative thing, as it seemed to be at the time, I now like to look at it as a period in which I was able to filter off the people who obviously weren't meant to be a big part of my life forever. The reason this was a positive thing that happened is because I was left with one or two people who I feel like I'm clearly meant to be with forever. And then having these people who you know love you a lot boosts your self esteem, making you more confident and henceforth you become even better at first impressions. Maybe this is the reason over the past year I've made a few more amazing friends. Who knows.

Which brings me back to me alienating myself from everyone.

All I want to do is to be an unconditional best friend. I don't want to annoy people anymore. I don't want to fake it. I just want things to go how I used to lay in bed at night when I was 12 years old wishing they would. Most of the time they do. And sometimes I feel like I am still annoying, still fake and a nuisance.

If I can alienate myself from my best friends, then I don't think I have much hope at all.

England, you have proved you're capable so now stay like this :@

2010-07-11T00:37:00.002+01:00

London came up trumps today. It was 30 degrees. Perfect.

2010-06-26T16:44:00.004+01:00

I feel so upset sitting here thinking about how everything that happened has amounted to what it's ever going to amount to and now it's over and what's unsaid is going to remain unsaid forever now.

Here we go
Take a bow
Because we're over now
You were not
There for me
When I needed you
It's over now
Some things are better left unsaid
Maybe we'll be able to be friends
If that's possible.

Me and Joe are good at Boys Like Girls.

2010-06-21T00:06:00.000+01:00

Jocy says: (00:00:35)
the first one is the worst one when it comes to a broken heart, but the second album is the hardest when it comes to albums
Jocy says: (00:00:37)
SEE WHAT I DID THERE
Jocy says: (00:00:39)
*is proud*
Joe says: (00:00:53)
that was so lame it actually hurt to read
Jocy says: (00:01:06)
I GOT BOYS LIKE GIRLS LYRICS IN A SENTENCE IN CONTEXT
Jocy says: (00:01:09)
just face it, it was amazing
Joe says: (00:01:36)
yea, but without me you're just one amazing, and we all know that two is better than one
Jocy says: (00:02:54)
yeah but this level of amazing is contagious so someone like you who is often with me can also experience the real thing

Jocy is a lucky human.

2010-06-17T23:13:00.003+01:00

I've had a really nice day today!
Joe came over early afternoon and we ate pizza in the garden and then we made peanut butter cookies which were so amazing, I will put the recipe at the bottom. Then he helped me with Sociology revision which was somehow made enjoyable, which I think says a lot about me and Joe xD And we had a Sociology break to go and make some origami animals for a project Joe is doing. Then we did more Sociology and ate lots of cookies. And then at about 8.15 Joe said "I'm really craving-" and before he could answer I said "I'm craving Chinese!" and he just looked at me and was like "I was going to say that." We have a LOT of same wavelength moments these days, which is just the best thing ever :D So we went to the Chinese down the road and then we took it to the field by my house and had a Chinese picnic and it was so nice, sitting in a field, eating Chinese food, chatting about nothing in particular and laughing at most.

Once tomorrow is over, I will be even happier!

Peanut Butter cookies:

260g peanut butter
200g sugar
1 egg

(Makes around 10 cookies, we doubled the recipe and made 21 xD)

1. Preheat the oven to 175 degrees
2. Grease baking tray
3. Mix all the ingredients together
4. Put spoonfuls of dough on the baking tray
5. Cook for around 8 minutes, until they feel firmish and the top layer is a bit darker
6. Leave to cool a bit - they get more crunchy but remain chewy and soft in the middle!

NOM NOM NOM

Photomagraphs

2010-06-12T13:27:00.001+01:00

I took these photos when I went to Canary Wharf with Joe one afternoon. I'm pleased with them.

Sleeping with the light on

2010-06-06T03:14:00.002+01:00

I tried to write this blog lots of times but I couldn't phrase it right.

The short and short of it is that it's a really nice feeling when people show they care about you. Like when my friends try to make me go to bed, because they know I'm having trouble sleeping lately.

Things are not great right now. I've got insomnia at the moment, like I usually do around exam season. This is making all the stress seem worse and as a result of this I feel pretty much constantly sick. But I know it will be over soon and I know I've got a couple of people to see me through the worst bit and I know it'll be fine in the end.

Nearly every time I've looked at a clock for the past 13 hours, it's been 11 minutes past the hour. The only one I missed was 11.11, which is the only one I care about. Sod's law hehe.

3.24am. 5th consecutive night that I'm awake past midnight. Bad.

2010-06-05T02:24:00.001+01:00

I literally hate England. I always knew I hated England but I thought that I at least liked London. But I figured out this evening that I don’t even like that. I thought I loved London because of the skyline and the famous landmarks and the diversity and the hustle and bustle. And then I realised that you get these in any city. The only thing about London specifically that I like is that I’m not a tourist there. I know it well, I feel at home there and I enjoy not being a foreigner in such a famous place. But I don’t actually like London itself. The English weather is really getting me down. Everyone’s having braingasms over the sun and the heat, whereas I just find myself dreading it becoming grey and wet again, which is inevitable. I get SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder) really badly and we get sufficient UV rays in England for a week at a time, tops. It just doesn’t cut it. Not to mention everyone (most people) in England are just moany gits. I’m being a moany git now. I wonder why? BECAUSE I LIVE HERE. We’re all so freakin’ uptight and unsatisfied with everything, and it’s completely understandable. I don’t want to dwell on politics, but what I will say is that our governmental system is so messed up that it only looks good in comparison to Zimbabwe’s. There’s nothing that sets England apart from any other country, we have no positive stereotypes. We might seem all quirky and awesome from the point of view of other nationalities, but it’s all total rubbish. We don’t drink tea all the time (but what would it matter if we did, tea isn’t even British) and we do not say “top hole” and “chap” in day to day conversations.

I’m going to stay in England for university and I’m going to start myself off as something. And then once I’ve got something to show for myself, I’m out of here and I’m starting again. I’m going somewhere where the gaseous fire ball in the sky actually does something remotely useful, and where the human beings are pleased to be on this planet.

Tonight is a good, good night. Ooh ooh.

2010-06-01T22:00:00.003+01:00

I'm sitting in my room typing this.
Joe is to my left, writing me a letter in my notebook that he has a matching one to.
A plate of Smarties cookies that we made together are to Joe's right.
We're surrounded by guitars that we have been playing together.
A bit later we're going to write a song.

It's times like this that I just feel so content with everything. I've got my best friend in the world next to me and we ate pizza and we made cookies and seriously, what more could anyone want?

I love Joe so so so so so so so so much (':

Today was my last day of school

2010-05-28T23:00:00.000+01:00

I pretty much hated sixth form. Towards the end of it I started liking it a bit more because I had an actual friendship group again. But compared to 03-08, the experience was not very much. I’ve been excited about finishing there for so long, and I’ve been saying for weeks that I have no emotional attachment to the place and that leaving would be a doddle. I was wrong. It’s stupid because I knew I was kidding myself the whole time. It was so easy to leave the place and to leave the majority of the people. For the pure fact that a lot of them I either don’t like or don’t know. And it was easy to say goodbye to the people I know I’m going to keep in touch with. The thing that really got to me was saying goodbye to the people I have so much history and so many memories with who I know I won’t keep in touch with. Because let’s face it, you can’t stay in touch with everyone. There were a couple of people in particular that I found it excruciating to part with, for the sole reason that I know it probably was goodbye for good. What made the day so much more dimensional was that an old friend of mine who left the school last year came to visit. I hadn’t seen him properly in about a year, and it was only when I went up to him and hugged him that I realised how much I’ve missed him. We might not have much in common anymore, but we were close for so long and I have so many in-jokes, memories and shared experiences with him. It was so amazing yet so emotional to be kind of reunited with Nick (‘: And then this afternoon as I was going into work I saw another friend who I haven’t seen in a year. Pete is the year above me and I’ve known him since year 11 and we spent a lot of time together last year and then he went off to uni and that was kind of it. But he’s back for the summer and working in the same place as me so we crossed paths this afternoon. We literally spoke for around 15 seconds but again, it made me realise how much I’ve missed him.

I’m lucky in that I didn’t suffer at school. I was never badly bullied and I always got/get (touch wood) good grades without having to slog my guts. But the last two years have definitely not been massively enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some friends for life over the past 20 or so months, new friends that I didn’t have beforehand. But the experience of actually being in sixth form was not good. Maybe that’s because I had years 7-11 to compare it with, which I loved so much. Whatever the case is with that, I’m so glad I’m out of that place. It presented me with some nice people, some amazing people, but a few too many awful people. It’s over now though, and it’s full steam ahead. Full steam ahead with my exams and full steam ahead with the rest of everything.

Today

2010-05-27T22:49:00.002+01:00

Today was sooooo good.

I had my second to last day of school which finished early. So I blipped (blup) over to Joe's house and then we went up to London. We went with the intent of buying notebooks for our genius thought processes. But in the end we couldn't find ones awesome enough for us. So we went for a wander around the green bits in the Canary Wharf area and I took lots of photos and we just generally were laughing most of the afternoon (: After Canary Wharf we blipped (blup) to the o2 and here is an example of what induced serious lols:

Me and Joe at the o2, discussing the people who were going to see Black Eyed Peas tonight...

Joe: I think they've all got a feeling.
Jocy: I think that they've all got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night.
Joe: I think they've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good, GOOD night.
Jocy: Oooh oooh.

AND AND AND

Joe: I would have bought a notebook if you had!
Jocy: Well I would have bought one if you had!
Joe: Ugh that's so dumb.
Jocy: Exactly. We need to stop being so codependent and start thinking for ourselves.
Joe: ...
Jocy: Actually no, that's ridiculous, forget I said that.
Joe: Yeah, that was a really STUPID idea.

I have too much love for the Cleaver :D

Unwelcome changes.

2010-05-20T13:02:00.002+01:00

After a 5 month hoohar I have finally got an offer from a uni I want to go to on a course I want to do with do-able grade requirements. I wanted this so much and I am very happy, but it's going to take some time to get used to.

I really had thought for the past 5 months that I was going to do a gap year. And as a result of this I'd mentally prepared myself for this, made plans and let myself get excited.

After hearing from the university yesterday, I was initially euphoric, on top of the world. And then I got reality checks. Realising that I'm not going to be able to see my best friend twice a week anymore and realising that I'm not going to have my bedroom to go to whenever I want. Reality checks about how I'm going to now be spending my free time after September and reality checks about who I'll be spending my time with.

I'm finding it really hard getting my head around all of this. It's horribly bittersweet because I honestly did put up such a fight to get to this point UCAS-wise, so obviously I'm thrilled to bits that I finally got to where I want to be. But it is so, so hard for me to get my head around how severe and significant the changes are going to be.

I wish I could have my cake and eat it; go to university and take parts of my life now with me )':

no

2010-05-19T22:59:00.002+01:00

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no 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no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no 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You're the sugar in my high

2010-05-16T11:22:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was amazing. I got to do lots of my favourite things all in one day :D Here is a list of these things:

- see Joe

- get pick n mix

- sit and chat with Joe whilst eating pick n mix

- go to London

- go to Pizza Hut

- go to Cyber Candy

- see a musical

- have ice cream in the interval

- go to China Town

- have iced tea

- go into hysterics in a public place

Those are lots of my favourite things. That I did all in one day (‘:

By the way the title of this blog is from "Chemicals Collide" by Boys Like Girls. I think the lyrics are perfeCCCt.

My favourite word

2010-05-12T23:58:00.002+01:00

unconditional |ˌənkənˈdi sh ənl; -ˈdi sh nəl|
adjective
not subject to any conditions

When you can grasp, from personal experience, the sheer profundity of this word at its best, you're lucky.

I'm lucky.

BEDOM #4 day 10

2010-05-10T16:59:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was one of the most exhausting days I can remember.

I did some filming for this thing for my friend’s uni project and it was fun but so TIRING and it took like 7 hours to complete.

And then me and Joe started heading home and the journey should have taken about 2 hours and needed 2 trains but NOTHING was running and we had to get 2 trains and a transfer bus and a public bus. It was so exhausting. Though what was really good was getting a bus from Lewisham to Stratford because even though it was a massive trek and took forever, the bus went RIGHT THROUGH Greenwich, which is like the prettiest part of London. And me and Joe decided we’re going to be next door neighbours there when we grow up. The journey took FOUR HOURS. I went to bed early and slept straight through for 8 hours, but I’m still so shattered.

MORE NEWS, however, is that I think I have found the perfect uni course for me to do when I do go to uni :D Which is good. Especially for an indecisive FREAK like me. :D

BEDOM #4 day 8

2010-05-08T13:20:00.002+01:00

I haven't BEDOM'ed much lately because I had a totally horrideous time at school. I had my French A2 oral exam which surprisingly went very well, but the buildup was atrocious. For other reasons it's been a really hard week. Probably mainly because everything has been living in Monday April 26th's shadow. Everything has been horribly generic. The end of school just cannot come fast enough. Yet I'm dreading May 28th because I'm terrified about my exams. I can't wait for June 29th. I've already made plans for the week after I finish school forever, so that is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't post this blog without mentioning politics. The England is in a horrific political situation at the moment. I won't go into details because if anyone reading this wants to know me they should get their information from a more reliable source than me :P But we basically don't have anyone REALLY in charge at the moment, because the general public has made it clear they don't want the current prime minister to run the country, but the other candidates didn't get enough votes either. Yes, it is as ridiculous as it sounds. No, England does not run on democracy. I don't care what anyone else says, I really don't think it is. I hate the UK governmental system. It's a total farce, sham, scam, joke and abomination.

And just for the record, yes, I did go to the polling station on Thursday.

BEDOM #3

2010-05-03T22:15:00.003+01:00

25 days until I have completed 7 years of education at my school.
57 days until I have completed 7 years of work for my A2 exams at my school.

It's going to be a hideous 28 days. And then it's going to be a hideous 29 days. But at least the 29 days will only be interspersed with trips to school rather than spending every day at school.

Once the 57 days are up, I will be ecstatic. I so cannot wait to walk out of my last ever exam. I will probably skip out of the exam hall.

BEDOM #2 part 2

2010-05-02T22:54:00.001+01:00

ADVANCES ON MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS' GHOST SITUATION.

So they all made it home on one piece and I eavedropped them to get the hard proof that I needed that they weren't winding me up. So I started asking them what they saw. They saw a BLACK HOODED FIGURE WITH A WHITE FACE. Think about it. Black hooded figure with a white face. Who do we know who looks like that? LORD VOLDEMORT. I know that you're all thinking JOCY, VOLDEMORT ISN'T EVEN REAL AT THE BEST OF TIMES. Here's where the big coincidence comes in. Today is the 12 year anniversary since the Final Battle at Hogwarts. Today is the anniversary of VOLDEMORT'S DEATH. And my brother and his friends claim they saw something shrouded in black with a white face in a graveyard. They had no idea it was the anniversary of Voldemort's death today, and it did not even occur to them that that is what Voldemort looks like until I said so to them, so they definitely were not making anything up because they knew I'd add pieces together in my head.

HOW WEIRD AND CREEPY IS THAT!!!!!!!!

BEDOM #2

2010-05-02T21:22:00.001+01:00

My brother and his friends have got really obsessed with the TV programme “Ghost Hunters” lately. I’ve watched it a few times and I do find it interesting but I’m too sceptical to think it’s genuine. I don’t think it’s FIXED as such, but I can’t help but be convinced the people in it are acting. Because there just doesn’t seem to be much spontaneity to their reactions. Anyway, back to my brother and his friends. They went out about an hour ago to the oldest wooden church in Europe which happens to be near to where we live. It’s about a mile into farming fields and isn’t next to any proper roads; it’s very secluded. They went for the sole reason to see if they could spot a ghost. My brother just rang me, out of breath and panting, raving about how they were in the graveyard and behind a tombstone they saw a figure with a white face, who then vanished. Now, I really do not know what to think. I do believe in imprints of departed souls, because I don’t think it is possible to be a tangible life on the earth and to then just vanish completely when you die. But I don’t think that the form that remains is a ghost. I don’t know what I think it is, I just know I don’t believe it’s that. But if there ever WAS going to be a place to see a ghost, it would be at Greensted Church. Knowing my brother and his friends they are probably just lying to me because they know I don’t believe in ghosts, so they want to see how far they can push me. The unknown frustrates me.

BEDOM #1

2010-05-01T22:01:00.003+01:00

My French oral exam is on Thursday. This is soon. The thing with French is that I haven't prioritised it. I'm doing 5 A Level subjects (including General studies, which most unis don't count) whereas most people have done 4. And even then, universities never require you have more than 3. So French, being my weakest subject, is not the one I focus on most. Despite this, I don't want to do even worse than I did at AS because to put it bluntly, that would be damn embarrassing. HOWEVER, instead of learning my oral presentation and questions, I am writing this blog whilst watching Michael McIntyre Live and Laughing. I think we can all tell how this exam is going to go on Thursday...

BEDA #30

2010-04-30T16:11:00.002+01:00

Final blog of April!

I've really enjoyed doing BEDA. Actually, I lie, sometimes it was boring and tedious. But I just read back all my posts and it made me really glad that I did it. I had such an awesome April in hindsight. I'm going to Blog Every Day Of May (BEDOM, yes I made it up :D) aswell :D Not because I think anyone wants to read a blog a day from me, but because I think it is pretty invaluable leaving an actual legacy of a period of time. Even if it is just for myself. I don't want to blog every day of my life, I just think that bearing in mind SO MUCH is going to happen in the next month, it could be a good idea. It will be interesting to see how my outlook changes as the month progresses. I finish school on May 28th. At the moment I am SO EXCITED about it, and there is not one element of sadness or dread in my mind about it at all. I wonder if that will change. This is why I want to blog every day in May. Will be good to look back on!

Hope everyone had a brilliant April. Despite mine being flecked with some pretty low moods every now and again (which I'm sure is more than evident in a few of my posts), I've also had some of the best days I can remember ever. So glad I have this to re-read as many times as I want, so I will never forget them (:

See you tomorrow for the start of BEDOM! xxx

BEDA #29

2010-04-29T21:17:00.001+01:00

WORDS FAIL ME.

BEDA #28

2010-04-28T22:44:00.001+01:00

I miss Joe. I saw him 3 days running and I didn't see him today so now I miss him.

BEDA #26 & #27

2010-04-27T11:33:00.002+01:00

I couldn't blog yesterday. This is why. This is my yesterday.

After finally getting to sleep (we were too excited xD) at 3am, the alarm clock rang at 6am. After many struggles to make me wake up, Joe resorted to picking up the airbed from underneath me and tipping me off of it onto his bedroom floor. I was up.

We left his house at 7.30am.

We arrived at Shepherd's Bush Empire at 9am.

We remained on the floor outside the venue for 10 hours, with interludes of me running to the toilet (my bladder fails me considerably when I am excited), finding noms and wandering up and down. I had a brief nap on Joe's shoulder but he thought it would be amusing to wait till I was asleep and then hit me in the face with a rolled up Kerrang. I returned the favour when he fell asleep with his head on my leg.

Some guys from a band called Ivy Rise were hanging out with us in the queue to promote themselves, so I took the opportunity to promote myself too and whored out my YouTube channel to them. I think they appreciated this as they told me to keep them informed of what I'm doing and they said they liked that I was a VLOGGER.

Some Spanish girls behind us and some Italian girls in front of us chain smoked all over us for 10 hours in the queue, start to finish. Therefore when, as we were entering the venue, the Spanish girl asked if she could go in front of us, Joe done an angry at her and said they were very direspectful. The Spanish girl then resorted to blowing a raspberry in his face. It was offensive to say the least.

Additionally, Joe told on some girls who pushed in to the security guard and they got sent to the back. Oh how we loled (':

We got into the venue at last and were FRONT BARRIER!!!!!!!!!!!! After two support acts Boys Like Girls came on and this is when words will start to fail me.

They were UNBELIEVABLE. Paul was BEAUTIFUL. They were just AMAZING. Paul handed Joe one of his picks. Martin saw that I wanted one but couldn't get one, so he gave me the mic stand to which Paul's picks were attached to and he told me to grab one. So I did. I also got one of Bryan's.

At the end of the concert, Boys Like Girls invited the fans onto the stage. I had been worried about this all day because jumping over barriers are hardly my forte in life. Joe hopped over and he turned round to help me. But nope, adrenaline kicked in and off I was over that barrier. I don't remember at all how I did. All I remember was knowing I had to do it. One minute I was in the crowd, the next minute I was on the stage, next to Joe and Paul DiGiovanni.

Then Joe and me shared the greatest hug known to mankind EVER.

And we went home.

It was perfect.

xxx

BEDA #25

2010-04-25T23:56:00.002+01:00

HELLO.
I am a blog.
This is not blogpsot.com, do not go there.
I am also not Jocy.
We're going to see BOYS LIKE FUGGIN GIRLS :D
WE MADE T SHIRTS.
WE STOLE FROM NANDOS!
I'm writing this really fast because i have 3 minutes.
Now 2.
I am the second half of the CCC.
I done love the CCC very much.
I hope you enjoyed my blog.
- Joe

BEDA #24

2010-04-25T01:05:00.001+01:00

This does not count as a BEDA fail because I TRIED to post a blog for the 24th before midnight but I didn't have access to a computer and there was no 3G signal in Ben's back garden on anyones' phons.

Tonight was my friend Ben's 18th birthday party which was awesome :D It was a garden type BBQ party and it was so so so fun. I love how I'm still mega close to a few people from primary school, it's lovely xD

Really good night XD

BOYS LIKE GIRLS TOFUGGINGMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEDA #23

2010-04-23T23:00:00.002+01:00

This is one of my favourite poems of all time. I remember my mum reading it to me when I was around 4 and I always insisted on hearing it every single night. By the time I was 6 I knew it off by heart and have never forgotten it!

My mum says I'm her sugarplum.
My mum says I'm her lamb.
My mum says I'm completely perfect
Just the way I am.
My mum says I'm a super-special wonderful terrific little guy.
My mum just had another baby.
Why?

By Judith Viorst

What's your favourite poem?

(:

BEDA #22

2010-04-22T22:30:00.001+01:00

Jocy says:
*lmfao
Joe says:
*so so many scabs
Jocy says:
*i used to be SCAB SCAB but now im a SCAAAAAB love SCABS forEVER, forever is SCAB
Joe says:
*SCAB it away, SCAB yesterday, we'll make the great SCAB
Jocy says:
*your SCAB was the soundtrack of my SCAB
Joe says:
*SCAB your eeeeeeeeeyes, and feel the SCABS collide!
Jocy says:
*do you do you wanna learn to SCAB its just a SCAB SCAB SCAB when a SCAB turns to a SCAB
Joe says:
*now we're heading for a SCAB SCAB SCAB break, and i dont ever wana hear you SCAB
Jocy says:
*go ahead and SCAB, take a SCAB and be SCAB, you can spend your whole SCAB holding SCABS
Joe says:
*i feel like a SCAB, and you are my SCAAAAAAAB, do you know that your SCAB is the sweetest sin
Jocy says:
*lets spend tonight on top of the SCAB, we can do any SCAB, we can be any SCAB
Joe says:
*now she's got a SCAB and i've got a rock SCAB, yeah she's in SCAB and i'm on some back SCAB

I love Joe too much :D

BEDA #21

2010-04-21T23:02:00.000+01:00

Worse to worser.

BEDA #20

2010-04-20T23:07:00.000+01:00

Need to cry. A lot.

BEDA #19

2010-04-19T23:21:00.001+01:00

So me and Joe wait for over a year for a Boys Like Girls London gig to be announced.
It gets announced.
It’s whilst I’m skiing.
Joe goes by himself.
We wait some more for a Boys Like Girls London gig to be annouced.
It gets announced.
We get tickets.
We are excited.
It’s next week.
A volcano erupts.
Boys Like Girls are in America.
They need to get to London.
There are no flights from America to London.
Fuck.My.Life.

BEDA #18

2010-04-18T22:53:00.000+01:00

School tomorrow. Yuck.

BEDA #17 part 2

2010-04-17T19:58:00.002+01:00

Today I did lots of FIRSTS of 2010:

*First visit to my favourite animal park in the world
*First picnic
*First wearing shorts
*First BBQ

Brilliant stuff :D

BEDA #17

2010-04-17T01:40:00.002+01:00

I just got back from a party :D It was fun XD

It was near to my house and Scott (who lives opposite to me) decided to walk home. Except we didn't gauge that yes, it's near to our house in DAYLIGHT and WARM. But at 1.30am in April it is a LONG WAY. It's about 2 miles to be precise. But along a VERY BUSY SCARY road. One of those straight, motorway type ones. So to make the journey more FUN we skipped and sang songs. We deserved ASBOs to be quite honest. It was awesome :D

It has taken me a long time to write this blog because I have very little feeling in my still numb fingers. But HO HUM. I had an awesome evening. :D

BEDA #16

2010-04-16T21:31:00.001+01:00

I am the most awkward and inept person on the planet and this evening at work I took it to such an extreme that I just have to laugh at myself (':

Missed BEDA #15 too. FML.

2010-04-15T23:44:00.000+01:00

I'm getting bad at this.

I missed #BEDA 14 so I will paste something that was said on the 14th so then I kind of didn't totally fug up (:

2010-04-15T00:52:00.003+01:00

Joe says: (22:20:09) I LOVE HAMSTERS
Joe says: (22:20:15) dont let me get one cause i have no room for it
Jocy says: (22:20:22) ive never been a fan but im MAJORLY excited to pick out the cutest one :D
Jocy says: (22:20:24) haha ok i wont
Jocy says: (22:20:33) im hoping it doesnt make me want one because id never be allowed
Joe says: (22:20:44) IT WILL
Joe says: (22:20:47) they're adorable
Jocy says: (22:21:05) i like the way they're just like a face. because you cant really see where their head ends and body starts
Jocy says: (22:21:14 )so theyre like a FACE with limbs

Jocy says: (22:27:51) OHMYGOD RIGHT I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED AT WORK TONIGHT
Joe says: (22:27:59) what happened?
Jocy says: (22:29:13) right so im on fitting room duty and theres this lady trying on clothes and her daughter (about 8) was waiting outside with the buggy that had twins (about 9 months) in and the daughter picked up one of the twins to hold
Jocy says: (22:29:16) and the fugging baby
Jocy says: (22:29:18) freakin
Jocy says: (22:29:27) PROJECTILE VOMITED ALL OVER THE FITTING ROOM
Joe says: (22:29:35) lmfao lmfao lmfao lmfao xD
Joe says: (22:29:37) did it get you!?
Jocy says: (22:29:39) NO
Jocy says: (22:29:55) IT WENT EVERYWHERE UP THE WALL AND OVER THE FLOOR AND OVER THE DAUGHTER AND OVER THE BUGGY
Joe says: (22:30:09) lmfao
Joe says: (22:30:13) oh man i bet you LOVED it
Jocy says: (22:30:23) I WAS MORTIFIED

Joe says: (22:55:50) im so stupidly excited for the weekend aswell
Jocy says: (22:55:58) whats happening at the weekend?
Joe says: (22:56:37) |:
Joe says: (22:56:42 )i thought we were doing stuff?
Joe says: (22:56:46) and animal-park-ing
Joe says: (22:56:48) lol
Joe says: (22:56:50) parking animals
Jocy says: (22:56:52 )OH YAY
Jocy says: (22:56:54) IM SO PLEASED
Joe says: (22:57:00) lmfao
Joe says: (22:57:13) i guess i should have asked/told you xD
Joe says: (22:57:17) i just assumed it was a given
Jocy says: (22:57:22) YAYYY ITS A GIVEN :D
Jocy says: (22:57:26) im so excited :D
Joe says: (22:57:36) me too!!!
Joe says: (22:57:42) as previously noted

Jocy says: (23:10:03) hahaha dont you just love the word HEDGEHOG
Jocy says: (23:10:05 )HEDGE
Jocy says: (23:10:06) HOG
Jocy says: (23:10:09) HOG IN A HEDGE
Jocy says: (23:10:10) hahahaah
Joe says: (23:10:53) you're being so weird
Joe says: (23:11:00) more so than usual -_-